Shades of Gray
by tseday871221
Summary: And for as long as she could remember she hasn't wanted anything, but him. This would suffice.
1. Chapter 1

Lucas and Peyton. A little AU.

**Shades of Gray – Chapter 1**

Peyton looked in the mirror, admiring her frame in a knee length, black, thin strapped dress. She had yet to figure out what to do with her hair and was tired of mulling over what to do with it. She and Brooke were late enough as is. With no more time to spare, and very little options that weren't time consuming Peyton finally decided to simply pin it up. Brooke, who was dressed similarly, helped Peyton to polish off her look, with two small diamond studded earrings. The two best friends looked into Peyton's bedroom mirror one last time.

Sure, Peyton was dressed in the proper attire for the day's event, but she couldn't help but feel overdressed. It was all too nice for how she really felt. On the inside she was miserable. She was lucky to have slept at all last night, though sleep had eluded her for some while anyway.

She was devastated to learn that both Karen and Lucas had agreed to today's plans, because it meant that they had given up hope. Somehow they had managed to be convinced or had convinced themselves that Lily would never be found, or that the now would be seven year old girl was dead. Peyton could hardly blame them and she wouldn't, because a part or her had lost hope too. At one point she recalled carrying the weight of that hope for all them, enduring the unrelenting stress it caused for herself, and everything else around her. She had to. For them. For herself. But most importantly, for Lily.

Peyton dreaded attending this memorial or any type of funeral really. She'd been to too many of them. The funeral director knew her by name. But this was not like the others. This occasion was different. Peyton felt as if she did not have the right to attend. The whole situation made her uncomfortable. She knew her presence would garner negative attention, but she hoped she wouldn't cause an outright uproar. She had voiced her concerns to Brooke, but they feel upon deaf ears. They were going.

"You look beautiful." The brunette insists as she slipped an arm around Peyton's waist. "Ready to go?"

A small discontented sigh escaped Peyton's lips. "If I said, I changed my mind, how upset would you be?"

"Very. We're going together Peyton," Brooke affirmed as she freed herself from Peyton to collect their purses. "But you're not doing it just for me Peyton, but for yourself." This was true.

She'd stick with the former though. That was a plausible excuse, right? She'd say she was there for Brooke, if anyone should ask.

No one asked, surprisingly. Not even Lucas when his eyes made contact with hers at the procession and later at the family gathering at Nathan and Haley's place.

Perhaps they had all forgiven her or so she hoped. But if they had given up hope on Lily, maybe that meant they'd now want nothing to do with her- completely. Peyton tried to catch Karen's eye a few times at the memorial, but her attempts were unsuccessful. Karen remained stoic in her grief over the year, even now. And Lucas clung to her side - the dutiful son, and now the only child she had left. _Thanks to me,_ Peyton thought with a wince.

Haley was too busy being the host and super mom at the gathering for Peyton to be sure if she had been graced with her forgiveness. Although Haley's efforts to make Peyton feel welcome, or more like unwelcome did not go unnoticed. But then again, she was busy. And it was usually those same words Haley would throw at Peyton when she called to ask if she wanted to have diner together or see a movie.

Nathan, on the other hand mumbled a few phrases of both acknowledgement and encouragement, when he had stumbled upon her presence in their guest room. She offered an apology for the intrusion, and explained that she just needed a minute. He was very understanding of that and in knowing that she was apologizing for much more. He apologized too, not only for the distance he had been keeping, but for Haley and for all the things he thought his brother had yet to say. She was grateful for that, and smiled for the first time that day.

Brooke brought it to her attention as they exited the Scott's mansion that she was disappointed that Lucas never did say hello to Peyton or anything else for that matter. But Peyton's disappointment lies elsewhere. She was disappointed that she let her fear and guilt keep her from offering her condolences to both Karen and Lucas. She tried to think of the all the apologies she had made in the past and wondered if they'd compensate for her absence of words now. Maybe they would understand.

When Lucas showed up at her house that night, it was unexpected, and questionable. He stood on her fathers' porch with his hands in his pockets, still dressed in his black suit and tie. He looked lost and uncertain, but he held a steady, steely gaze with her.

"Peyton", he uttered, almost inaudibly.

She didn't have the heart to turn him away. She never did.

The kiss was hungry and fervent. His fingers slid into her hair, as he gently kicked the door closed behind them. She shut her eyes briefly, and it was almost as if they had never parted. This moment was very much like their senior year of high school, when she would wait up for him and he'd sneaked out of his mother's house to be with her.

That was years ago.

A little over a year ago they used to share a house of their own.

The kiss was made up of everything she thought she had lost. She felt in his kiss a combination of love and need, emotions she believed she'd never feel again. They were feelings she assumed he had forgotten or at least tried to forget.

But now he stood before her, eyes pleading for some semblance of comfort, or maybe permission to take her to bed. She wasn't sure. It had been over a year since they had last occupied the same space, so she took a moment to take it in, to take him in and all of its suggested implications.

Quickly, she pushed those thoughts away, not wanting to get too ahead of herself. Instead she decided to suppress the questions that lay lingering at the tip of her tongue and make better use of it as she returned Lucas' kiss full force.

She should be angry that he sought her out only now and perhaps for one particular matter. She should be angry at herself. She still harbored feelings of bitterness and resentment toward him for calling off their engagement. But, those feelings were trumped by love and her guilt. They both would loom indefinitely.

The role she played in Lily's disappearance, the reason why Lucas was in her presence today, now, made it easier to let the negative feelings slide. For now, he appeared to need her. And for as long as she could remember she hasn't wanted anything, but him. This would suffice.

Unresolved issues mattered little now, she'd be damned if she let this moment slip away.

When he came to her that night, it was unexpected and questionable and later on she would learn- unwise.

* * *

If you read the chapter, I would love to know what you thought of it. Leave a review, please.


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry about the wait. I was busy, busy with finals as I'm sure some of you have been as well.

Thanks to all those who reviewed, favorited, story-alerted, all that good stuff. You guys made my week!

Chapter Two

Peyton stood against the railings of the pier, the wind blowing harshly against her skin.

In another place, in another time, she would have embraced the grandeur of the beauty around her, but not here, not now. This place served as representation and reminder of her momentary lapse of judgment. It was a moment in time in which she would never get back and yet she couldn't stay away, unable to distance herself from the memory.

She was propelled by both guilt and longing. She wished for a different set of circumstances, less tragic and life altering. She wished to have turned around a second sooner, or to have been more insistent when Lily complained about having to constantly hold onto hand. She wished she could turn back the hands of time for everyone, but wishing, she knew never seemed to get her anywhere. Certainly, not now.

Her life's been anything but remarkable, that's for sure. If people knew anything about her, they would tell you that her life was comprised of a never ending series of unfortunate tragedies, seemingly one right after the other.

In spite of all that Lucas had been the one to be there, he had been the exception, the one good thing, filling a void that neither her best friend nor her dad could occupy. It was a non-familial type of love that left her breathless, and would allow her to believe that maybe fairy tale endings were possible.

The wind picked up again hurried and sharp, she closed her eyes against it, and her memories.

"You come here often." It was more of a statement then a question. The voice startled her, intruding upon her thoughts.

Peyton turned slightly and regarded the familiar voice with her customary scowl. Lucas lowered his eyes beneath her gaze, faltered in his approach. He had deserved that, and anything else he had coming.

That morning Peyton had awaken to find the other side of the bed deserted. Articles of their clothing that had once been strewn haphazardly across the floor in lust-filled haste were found piled neatly next to her bed, well, her clothing.

A search for a note turned up unsuccessful. A mixture of shame, disappointment and anger would rise quickly. He had vanished and suddenly she was left to contend with the implications of their encounter alone.

Lucas stood before her now, wanting to put voice to his feelings, to provide an explanation for his abrupt departure. "Peyton, last night..I-"

"You what?" She urged tersely, cutting him off. _Miss me, still love me?_ They were only few of the words she had been wishing, hoping to hear should they have ever reconciled, but his latest disappearing act has left her unsure of that.

"I mean, what was that?" She corrected her voice a little above a whisper now.

Lucas' untimely exit had left Peyton feeling stupid and used, and she couldn't shake the feeling that he maybe had intentions of simply walking away all along. To hurt her in such a way that both reflected and resembled his profound grief in having to say goodbye to his sister. Maybe, in some cruel way he wanted to make her relive what is was like to have something, and then suddenly have it taken away.

"A mistake". The words fell from Lucas' mouth before he had a chance to stop them, to form his complete rationale. He watched the hurt resonate upon her face, the anger brewing.

For a long, drawn-out moment the pair stood together in awkward silence, nothing but the sound of the waves crashing against the shore to subdue them.

Peyton later nodded her assent, surprising Lucas, who now stood mere inches away from her. She had been crazy to think that last night would spawn a new beginning for them, but she wouldn't believe it was the end either. Her eyes began to brim with tears she tried hard not to shed in the means of self-preservation. "So do we just go back to pretending the other doesn't exist?"

Pretending. Now there was a word Lucas knew well. In fact within the past year he had learned how to do it well. It's how he managed to get through the day and deal with work, his mother, Haley, his brother … and of course Peyton.

It would have been very easy to have just crawled back into bed with her that morning and pretend that today was an ordinary day, and that last night was like any other night they would have shared in the past.

In spite of everything, he had to admit that it felt nice to wake up to her in his arms again.

He watched as she struggled to contain her tears, but failed. The desire to be the one to wipe them away was strong, but he resisted.

"I - I don't want to confuse you Peyton. Sleeping together was a mistake." Lucas scratched his head, searched for words. "A matter of falling into old habits, I guess, but …I wanted to see you." He heaved a heavy sigh. "I've been meaning to see you", he confessed.

The weight of those last words hung between them. Peyton tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear. Lucas couldn't help but notice how beautiful she looked, face flushed by the cold and her tears. He looked away for a moment.

He could still vividly recall the day that she had called him, her voice tear-filled and frantic informing him that Lily had gone missing, slipping out of her sight, and into the chaotic cluster of festivities lining the Tree Hill pier.

Though alarmed by the news, he remained composed, working hard to alleviate her fears, and inadvertently his own. Together, they would search for Lily relentlessly. The night would fall upon them quickly, unwilling to spare the pair its sympathy. _9-1-1 What's your emergency? _Thosefew words, unmistakably clear, shattered Lucas' resolve. The hope and belief that they would find Lily on their own, or she would return, smiling from having taken an all too long detour vanished. Those four words would be the dose of reality that brought him to his knees fast and hard. The phone call to his mother had been even harder. "WHAT?"

Most things since then had been a blur of agonizing confusion, and pain. A slew of emotion Lucas hadn't felt since his uncle Keith had died. The official search for Lily turned up empty at every corner, day in and day out. It sickened him to think about his little sister out there, somewhere, scared and alone, lost, kidnapped…dead. Tree Hill was a relatively small place, sure, but even it was not exempt to crime.

The press was unrelenting, phone calls by the minute-, accusations, libel, slander he saw and heard it all. He tried his best to shelter his family from it, from that aspect of things. His main focus was to find Lily, to have her return unharmed.

Peyton would receive the brunt of it. She swam in it, drowned. His family questioned her logic, assailing her with questions, their eyes accusing, but not at first. Soon they blamed her, later ostracizing her. His mother had been the worst. At one time, she unleashed her anger upon Lucas, criticizing his "poor" choice in women, when she had once stood in strong favor of their coupling. Peyton, she said was the reason Keith and Lily were both gone. It tore them apart, all of them, and when his own thoughts started to meander in a similar direction Lucas could hardly recognize himself.

He grew bitter in the months passing. His and Peyton's relationship suffered. He tip-toed around her and her emotions. He tip-toed around his own. They were a sinking ship, and he was the captain. Peyton would fight hard to stay on board and stay afloat, unwilling to accept that this was their end. After all he was to marry her, stand by her for better or for worse.

The morning he found himself perched on the edge of their shared bed hard-pressed on not shedding tears as he relayed to Peyton that he just "couldn't do it anymore"- be with her, was something he never thought he would hear himself say. He never saw this coming, but then again he never saw any of it coming.

Lucas and Peyton now walked side-by-side, a rather slow pace, perhaps to linger in the others presence a while longer.

"You've been watching me?" Peyton voiced as she tugged at the lapels of her jacket, pulling it tighter around her for additional warmth. "Earlier, you said something about me being here often, it didn't sound like a question."

"I haven't been stalking you if that what you meant," Lucas replied with a small laugh as he reflected upon the times he actually had resorted to such extremes as kid just to catch a glimpse of the girl that appeared to be a mystery to most. "I should have never told you that."

She smiled at this. The fragments of their past-unforgotten, complicated, intertwined. A lifetime of memories. Their memories. She wouldn't trade them for anything.

Lucas stopped walking and turned toward Peyton, the light-heartedness of the moment gone.

"Sometimes I come here to talk to Lily. It's been easier to picture her here." He paused slightly before he continued. "In spite of what happened, she loved the beach, this beach."

Her hand was on his shoulder almost instantly, comforting and apologetic. "Luke-"

"You're usually leaving when I show up."

She said nothing at the revelation. It hardly surprised her that he never made his presence known to her.

"Were you here this morning?" Peyton had thought to ask him where he'd run off to this morning earlier, but forgot. Now she was asking, although she wasn't sure if she wanted to hear the answer.

* * *

Let me know what you think. Leave a review!

Happy Holidays everyone!

-Jess-


	3. Chapter 3

A little late, but Happy New Year Everyone!

**Chapter Three:**

With a frustrated sigh, and nearly shot ears, Peyton continued to sift through an array of CD's that had accumulated at her office over the two weeks since Lily's memorial.  
Generally she would have been capable of having sorted through artist's submissions in a much more timely fashion, and then position herself elsewhere in dire need of her attention, but that simply was not the case this time.

She had listened to just about all of the recordings within in the past few hours, but none seemed to speak to her musical sensibilities. She even tried running a handful of the tracks back through the record player for a second and third time to possibly catch something she may have missed before.

At a time like this it was not hard to admit that she missed having Haley at her disposal. Much like her own, Haley's ear for the musically talented, did wonders for her company, a company in which she had once offered Haley full access . Now, with little to no talent to manage, it was the success of Mia, a talented musician who emerged under the watchful eye of Haley, that generated the revenue that kept Peyton and her company financially secure.

Onto her desk, fell a small note from a CD case she held open in palm. The words I'll be seeing you, scripted in capitals jumped out at her.

Peyton smiled. Regardless of what she already thought of the music enclosed, she couldn't help but admire the artists' confidence, and persistence. This would make the third demo this particular musician had sent in to the label within the last month.

The phrase itself was also not lost on her. It was achingly familiar, the beginning of some of her best memories. Immediately her thoughts deviated from work, to Lucas, though they had been a lot lately, more specifically within the last few days.

Over the past few weeks, she and Lucas had fallen into a somewhat easy, but sometime awkward camaraderie since the last time they had spoken out on the pier, but Peyton was thankful that they were at least speaking. Granted, during their few casual gatherings since then, they managed to skirt around the more heavier and daunting topics such as their breakup, Lily and even whatever it was transpiring between them as of late.

Peyton was sure Lucas would have called it a friendship, a rekindling of some sort and probably would have agreed, but when were they ever just that- friends?

Confined to the task at hand longer than she had anticipated, Peyton was more than relieved to see Brooke enter her office, stormed in almost, however unexpectedly. She stood suddenly to switch off the volume of the stereo.

"Is that a new dress?" Peyton inquired, noting the garment bag draped across Brooke arms.

"No, actually its an old one", Brooke replied, and partly unveiled the dress for Peyton to see. "It's the dress I've been asking for you to return for weeks now."

Brooke tugged lightly at the satin exposed. "I figured you'd forget to drop off it, again, so I picked up myself. There's a stain on it."

Peyton swallowed. The dress was meant for a client of Brooke's, but it had been suggested as quick fix, a once in a life time temporary loan for a much needed girls night out as decided by Brooke earlier in the month. Peyton was completely clueless as to how the stain formed on the dress, and didn't bother to justify or explain it, truth being that she had been a little careless with the strapless mini.

"Well?" Brooke asked quite evenly despite her evident discontent.

"Sorry," Peyton tried with a half smile, already knowing that a simple apology probably would not do, not for Brooke at least. "I'll pay for it."

The blonde's offer was dismissed no sooner than she voiced it. Through hooded lashes, Brooke peered at Peyton. "Anything else you want to tell me?"

A new demo disk is picked up and deposited into the CD player. "Other than we should both get back to work?"

"Are you sure"? Brook questioned as she shifted the dress in her arms, before deciding to simply rid of the dress completely in the waste basket to the left of her.

"Brooke!"

"That's not all I found, when retrieving that now unfixable dress ." Brooke slid the small pink, slightly crumpled box which had once been held discreetly in her possession along the desk. She centered it in Peyton's field of view.

Peyton's eyes widened moderately at the sight.

"Are you… pregnant?" Brooke finally forced out, her eyes on Peyton before they dropped back down to the box on the desk between them.

"You went through my trash?" Peyton heard the sharp edge in her voice, and tried to contain it immediately upon detection. What right did she have to accuse or be angry at Brooke for rifling through her belongings when she herself had been deceptive and sneaky, withholding important, possibly life altering information? Best friends were entitled to know these things, right?

Where Peyton stood socially amongst the people in Tree Hill at the moment wasn't anything to boast about. As of now, she was lucky to have still have a friend to hang out with, that last things she needed right now was to be on bad terms with Brooke.

Much of Brooke's presence during Lily's disappearance and in the turmoil that followed helped to buoy Peyton, keep her afloat, much like it had when her mother, Anna died.

Brooke had been the one to fly home from New York despite a budding and pressing career to see that she was okay, and offer her help in any way possible. She was there, when Haley was not, when everyone else had abandoned her. For that, Peyton would always be grateful. She could hardly contain her elation when Brooke informed her that she was moving back to Tree Hill permanently; her home.

Disappointed and angry eyes stared back at her now. Brooke shook her head, "It doesn't matter how I found it, what matters is why you have it… and why you didn't tell me. "

"Brooke, I'm not pregnant." At the confession both girls sat down simultaneously across from one another. "I guess you didn't dig far enough for that answer."

That last bit Peyton mumbled goes unnoticed.

"But you thought you were?" The brunette pointed out, confusion etched clearly across her face.

The truth goes unstated, but Brooke received her answer in the silence.

"Who's the guy?"

Peyton opened her mouth to speak, to finally tell her friend a truth that's long overdue, but the brunette forged on, hastily adding, in what is seemingly her own moment of supposed clarity; "It was the guy at the bar you met a few weeks back. I called it. I knew you were into him!"

The utter inaccuracy of that statement, should have elicited, warranted a frown or cry of disapproval from Peyton, but instead she smiled. She could already see Brooke straining to mentally calculate and pinpoint a time frame for conception in her head.

"Brooke, I'm pretty sure , you went home with him. Not me."

"Oh." Brooke's mouth formed a smile around the word, though embarrassment settled quickly upon her cheeks. "Well, If not him, then who?"

The sound of footsteps against the hard wood floor drew both of the girls attention to the entrance of the room. Peyton quickly discards the source that previously held their current focus discreetly in her desk drawer.

"Hey, Brooke." The words are said hesitantly, feebly, but decipherable. The voice, distinctive.

"Lucas," the brunette acknowledged, her voice a mixture of indifference and surprise.

Brooke rose from where she was seated, looked at Peyton, eyebrows raised imploringly, an unspoken question amidst them. And then knew. A swell of some unidentified emotion surfaced. For a moment Brooke is unable to decide if she should be happy or disappointed with her friend. Either way she figured, would result in worry.

The brown eyed girl no longer had words or time for either of the blondes and upon hurried heels, quickly exited the studio, stilettos clacking noisily behind her.

"Hey", Peyton called out softly to Lucas, drew his attention from where her thoughts too were once focused only seconds before, on Brooke.

"Did I, uh catch you at a bad time? Brooke looked kind of upset when I walked in. Everything okay?"

Peyton tried to appear nonchalant as Lucas strode further into her office, regarding her silently. She hoped she came off as undisturbed by Brooke's curt departure, and further hoped to God that Lucas had only arrived when he did and not before. Hopefully he hadn't overheard anything that involved the word pregnancy.

Although it was safe to say that they successfully dodged that bullet, she could remember the time when talks of having a child of their own dominated late night conversations, when they used to refer to sex as "practice to create a baby". Then, of course, circumstances were ideal.

Just the act of having to take a pregnancy test mere hours ago, the outcome aside , allowed her if for only a few moments to step back in time. This is where they should have been. She couldn't help the sudden wave of disappointment that washed over her when she stood in her bathroom then.

But she also couldn't deny the relief she felt when reality crept back upon her; and a little blue line indicated that she wasn't pregnant.

"How about those Bob Cats? Nathan really racked them up last night."

Lucas dipped his head in amused acknowledgement of the pointed change of subject, but decided to let her off the hook.

"Yeah. He was great. I don't get to see him as much now that he's made the team."

"You watch?" He then asked, as he scratched his head. A gesture Peyton was familiar with, only done when he was unsure or nervous about something.

Peyton nodded knowingly, what he was really asking was why did she watch.

"I can't help it," she answered simply, letting the words linger as she stood from her desk and approached him slowly, her mid length black dress swayed as she walked. "It's hard to turn away."

And it was. It wasn't easy to forget the people she'd grown to love, though it seemed more than easy for some of those same people to turn their backs on her.

There is a flicker of shame and or sympathy in Lucas' eyes that Peyton notes. A succinct moment of silence falls upon them. "And besides, Nathan's always looked good in his basketball shorts."

A rather graphic and unwanted visual formed in Lucas' head, and he's quick to scold Peyton for causing it. She laughs heartily and it's contagious and soon he realizes just how much he has missed the sound of that laughter, the ability to be the one to extract it. It's definitely a sound he's eager to hear more of.

"I've got something for you."

"What?" Peyton asks, an eyebrow raised, hands resting loosely on her hips. Was it a kiss? Because she's been longing for one ever since the encounter on her doorstep, but she would not dare say that aloud. So she waits for his answer and will continue to wait for him to make a move.

Out of the back pocket of faded blue jeans, he pulled a folded piece of paper, held it out for her to seize.

"What's this?"

"It's a copy of an acceptance letter emailed to me from a publishing company, that I received a while ago. I thought you might want to see it. "

Her eyes beamed as she eyes the paper before her, then him, believing and not believing it at the same time. Their shoulders touched slightly as he positioned himself next to her as she read.

"I never did thank you for sending my novel in ." They were already broken up before he had a chance to learn that she'd been the one to send it out.

In truth, in the lieu of things it had completely slipped Peyton's mind that she, single handedly was responsible for having shipped out more than a dozen of his manuscripts to publishers across the states. But she did, she owed him that really, but she also did it because she loved him and believed in him, just as he had believed in her when he, unbeknownst to her sent in her artwork to a silly magazine company all those years ago.

That very mutual love and belief in one another would carry them in moments of frustration and self doubt. The dreams they had of obtaining both personal success as well as a an overall sense of happiness , to say the least were intertwined. His dreams were hers, and her dreams had became his.

Over time, Peyton bore witness to Lucas' creativity. She had watched as he crafted the novel, picking at it every now and then, typing, editing and re-editing unremittingly. They were both excited when he finally completed it a few months into their engagement.

"Wow, this is great Luke" Peyton breathed, as she folded, then gave the letter back to him. She looked at him steadily, smiled proudly at him. "When do you start? Or what happens next?"

She waited for his answer expectantly, excitedly , before her mind called her attention back to the date printed at the top of the email.

Lucas was there to verbally usher her through her evident display of confusion.

"Actually the company's been pretty lenient with me, as the novel was to be in production for publishing a few months back. I just never got around to scheduling a meeting with them with all that has … " ,his words trailed off to some extent, but there wasn't a need to say more. She understood.

At her desk , he played briefly with her paper holder. "I contacted them last week, though. I'm going to do it." He suppresses the urge to also reveal to her that just in the past week he had begun to write again, albeit it wasn't another love story, it was about something that mattered, still matters to him greatly; Lily.

"I'm really proud of you Lucas."

They hug. And it is a first for them since, well …everything. It's familiar, warm and tender, engrossing. An embrace Peyton could never not manage to lose herself in. It was gesture Lucas also missed, so he isn't ashamed to relish the moment, to let it linger.

"So, I was thinking, I would like to celebrate", Lucas started, once she pulls away from their embrace. "How about dinner at my place, Friday night, if you're not busy?"

"You and who else?" Peyton asked, eyebrows knitted together as she looked up at him apprehensively, not certain if she was ready for another Scott family gathering. The last one having been too depressing, disheartening and awkward for words.

"You know, I haven't really told anyone else yet about the offer." Similarly he had also failed to inform anyone about Peyton and her re-emergence in his life.

"So, it's just the two of us then?"

"Just me and you", he assured.

Those few words brought on a different type of worry in Peyton. She bit down on her lip and tried to ignore the tightening in her chest. "Okay. Dinner sounds great. "  
**  
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A/N : Just in case there's anyone out there wondering about the time line, much of everything follows the over all storyline we know, with the exclusion of the crap that happened in season five. Peyton and Lucas get engaged sometime after Peyton moves back to TH from LA. Lucas completes AUOR soon after. Lily disappears.

Loved to know your thoughts. Review please.

-Jess-


	4. Chapter 4

Shades of Gray

Disclaimer: I do not own anything OTH related.

Previously:

Peyton accepts Lucas' offer to dinner to celebrate the impending publication of Unkindness of Ravens

Chapter Four

He's dressed rather simply for the night's occasion, khaki dress pants and a fresh blue button down shirt. The house has been cleaned, and the dinner he's prepared was well underway on the stove.

While on the outside things appeared to be under control, on the inside Lucas was laced with anxiety. Mixed emotions about his expectations for the evening, about Peyton's expectations overwhelmed him.

He had a thought to call Haley, her words of advice would have been useful for a time like this, but he decided against it. He didn't want to be badgered with questions he wasn't ready to answer just yet.

The nosy brunette had grown suspicious about his recent whereabouts. He duly noted her efforts to not interrogate him. But inevitably, he knew it was only a matter of time before she would come snooping around, desperately trying to put the pieces together, wanting answers.

He didn't know what to tell Haley about Peyton, or how to. Haley blamed Peyton for his and Karen's unhappiness, her own and her eldest son Jamie's, who considered Lily to be his best friend.

At the thought of Peyton and her imminent arrival, Lucas' heart hammered in his chest. It a common feeling whenever he thought of the blonde, but one he had once attempted to mask, in lieu of the often agony he felt.

Every now and then when he thought of Peyton, he saw the reason for his sadness, his sleepless nights, and the void he felt in Lily's absence. He thought of her, and saw the reason his mother was wracked with grief, the reason why she was never able to venture out of the house and not feel her heart constrict at the sight of a brown-eyed, brown-haired little girl that wasn't her Lily.

To hear his mother relay the details of her sightings was bad enough, but to have witnessed it with his own eyes…that was often more than he could bear.

In some ways he had held onto his anger, that sadness - for his family, or what was left of it.

But even in the face of all the heartache, he had to admit that sometimes, most of the time he still saw and remembered the girl he fell in love with all those years ago. The girl he still loves.

The low hum of a familiar engine outside pulled Lucas from his thoughts. He examined the food on the kitchen stove, before making a beeline toward the front door.

When he opened the door, he isn't surprised at how beautiful Peyton looks. Her hair had been left down. Soft wisps curled around her cheeks and framed her face.

He's aware that his stare lasts a little too long, and how it causes Peyton to blush slightly.

"Hey you," Lucas finally articulated. "You look nice."

"Hey Luke. I brought the wine."

"Trying to get me drunk Sawyer?" Lucas asked with a raised eyebrow and a smirk.

"Maybe," Peyton answered suggestively, watched his face change, and then threw him a playful smile. If she was honest, the wine if anything had been a necessity, more for herself than for celebratory purposes.

Peyton stepped into the small space of the foyer, closing the door behind her. "It felt kind of weird ringing the doorbell", Peyton stated through a slightly uneasy chuckle as she followed him through the house, wary of its familiarity and of the memories it evoked.

As he took her coat, Lucas' blue eyes were momentarily troubled, as he watched her look around, her eyes scanning the main room, lingering on the items she'd left behind in a tear-filled haste-things he realized he still hadn't been able to move or throw away. Old photos from their youth, captured photos of their engagement, belongings that showcased their shared taste in music, literature and art.

Lucas cleared his throat, unable to allow her or himself to revel in the moment any longer. He led her down the hall and through a door that disclosed a small kitchen.

"Mmm. Smells good in here Luke."

"Yeah, I got the recipe from my mom."

"How is she, by the way?"Peyton asked.

"She's doing better, Lucas replied." Peyton stuck a smile on her face and held it, ignoring the twist of guilt she felt in her stomach.

In the kitchen she watched Lucas as he concentrated on stirring a pot with what appeared to be mash potatoes. She took in for the first time the details of his appearance that she had been too self-conscious to notice upon her arrival.

He looked great. When he briefly turned around and caught her staring, she didn't look away. Instead she wandered over to where he stood, peered over the saucepans on the stove. Knowingly, Lucas invited her to taste what had been prepared so far.

A couple of more additional minutes of preparation and dinner was finally ready to serve. Lucas had set the table carefully beforehand, pulling out one of three unused tablecloths he had received during he and Peyton's engagement party.

"Wow, Haden and William have grown so much within the last year, that's a lot of testosterone in that house. Do you think Haley is going to pop out a girl anytime soon?"

Lucas smiled as he watched Peyton survey a scattered compilation of family pictures on the fridge.

The news clippings, faded fliers, photos, details that surrounded Lily's disappearance - those had all been put away, removed, as the act cemented and supported his family's decision to withdraw participation in the investigation.

Sometimes he feared that having ceased the search might have been the biggest mistake he'd ever made.

Days after the memorial, the certainty that his sister might be just around the corner was stronger than ever. That supposed certainty gripped him tightly. It was an effort to suppress the desire to continue the search-for anything, a trace, an overlooked clue.

"Actually Haley's said she doesn't plan on having anymore kids, but I know she's a little disappointed that doesn't have a little girl to chase after."

Dinner is served into their respective dishes, together they take their seats, opposite of one another.

A toast is made in honor of the publication of Lucas' novel. It isn't until Peyton has extracted a blush from Lucas that she considers herself successful and stops talking.

The conversation shared is light, but not awkward nor mundane.

"So why publish the novel now?" Peyton inquired finally in between a bite of creamy mash potatoes.

"It just felt like it was time", Lucas answered as he cut into the second portion of steak on his plate.

Not completely satisfied with such a short answer, Peyton insisted that Lucas elaborate.

"In spite of everything that's happened, I just had to remember that life goes on, and I also didn't want to miss out on such a great opportunity."

Peyton nodded in unspoken approval, chewing her food. "Well, it's a really great book Luke, and I'm not only saying that, well, because the book is pretty much about me. "

Lucas smiled lightly. "Are you sure that's not the only reason?"

While the novel circles around many of the events that took place during Lucas' high school years, it's very much a love story, their love story. It's a declaration of Lucas' love for and to Peyton and very much a mixture of everything else in between.

Though they sat, smiles visible on both of their faces, there is no doubt that the conclusion implied in the novel sits heavy between them.

The remainder of dinner went over easy. It's Lucas who first broached the subject of dating, but unfortunately for Peyton it's only an inquiry into how she spent the past year.

She isn't ashamed to admit that there's been a guy, though the relationship was very short-lived and devoid of any true emotion. She expected Lucas to show traces of jealousy upon admission, but when he doesn't she isn't sure whether she should be upset or relieved.

When dinner had ended, when left over food was put away, and dishes cleaned, the pair moved into the living room, glasses of wine in hand.

On the couch, Peyton shifted her weight to face Lucas, pulling one leg up underneath her.

"So what about you, are you dating anyone?"

"Now that's a silly question." Lucas replied taking her hand in his.

"Is it?" Peyton asked, though she was pretty sure of the answer already.

Lucas was quiet for a moment, and then smiled softly. "If you want to know if I've dated anyone since we've been apart, the answer is no. I haven't had the time, between taking care of my mom, and work…and of course there were, are other reasons." He looked at her then, their eyes catching in the softly lit room.

Although no other words are spoken it's obvious they are finally on the same page in regards to where they'd like to this, them to go.

A kiss sealed the deal, but it doesn't last too long. Peyton was the first to pull away, dampening the mood with what appeared to be a face of worry or doubt.

"What is it?" Lucas asks concerned that perhaps he might have misread the situation.

"Lucas your mom hates me. Can this really work? The two of you are so close. "

He looked at her, eyes cool and steady as he drained the last morsel of his wine.

"My mom doesn't hate you Peyton. She's just …sad. She's been through a lot. She'll come around.

Lucas' last words should have comforted her; they were intended to be hopeful, she knew that, but just then, Peyton couldn't feel that optimism. She couldn't really expect Karen's forgiveness, not when there were times, still are times where she can hardly forgive herself.

She thought about it more lately- if she had never met Lucas, or any of the Scotts for that matter, how her life might be different, better even for if she hadn't met Lucas, she couldn't have hurt them so much.

"And what about you?" Peyton asked her voice now somewhat unsteady.

The wounded look, the slight edge of disbelief in his eyes at her words, Peyton was surprised to see.

Lucas swallowed hard. "I don't hate you Peyton". He was sure that was an impossible feat and he begins to regret all he's done to make her feel otherwise.

"Then what do you feel? Tell me, honestly."

She wanted desperately inside his head. Could he forgive her? Had he? Was she wasting time and energy believing that there was a possibility for the two of them to be an item again?

Lucas felt a lot of things, but ever since his sister's disappearance, the one thing he has felt the most could be best summed up in one word. Disappointment.

And sure there was a time in which he would pinpoint Peyton as the sole source of his displeasure, but a lot of his frustration stemmed from what he thought about his own role in why Lily was no longer among them.

He was supposed to be the one to accompany her to the pier that day. He had even assigned Skills to take over as head basketball coach for the day at Tree Hill High just so he could take her, but a last minute phone call from an irate parent quickly had him at his office. Peyton was there to pacify an unhappy Lily.

"I care about you Peyton". Still loved her even, but even he knew it would take time to heal and recover from what was sorely lost. "I just wish we could all go back and do that day over, you know?"

Even in the dim light of the room, the sheen of Lucas' unshed tears weren't hard to miss, and when one of those tears managed to escape Peyton was quick to be the one to rid of it. Her hand brushed tenderly against his face, his cheek. Without hesitation Lucas leaned into her touch, into its familiarity and its never-ending ability to comfort him.

It isn't long before their lips meet again, and this time neither pulled away and what happens next has little to do with grief, or pain, but everything to do with the contentment of having found one another again.

When Lucas asked Peyton to accompany him to his nephew Haden's fourth birthday party the following week Peyton felt they were certainly making strides in their budding relationship, however fresh it was. It felt like old times in a way, the preparation of gifts and food, the anticipation of spending time with family and friends. She had missed those things dearly.

However, despite how badly she wanted to see the mini Scott clan again, the thought of the ongoing awkward tension between her and Haley made her on a few occasions want to decline Lucas' invitation.

Their shared encounters this year had been brief and Haley was no more cordial with her than she would have been with an acquaintance. It both saddened Peyton, and made her appreciate Brooke, her best friend even more.

The car ride over was short and quiet. Half way there Lucas wrapped his arm around Peyton's shoulder, sensing her anxiety and wanting to comfort her. She welcomed the embraced, nesting into the crook of his arm. "It's a birthday party Peyton, everything is going to be okay."

The couple made their entrance quickly, upon arriving well after the party's initial start time. Both the living room and dining room were littered with gifts, most she assumed from Nathan and Haley, there were also dozens of balloons and people. Some Peyton knew and some she didn't.

They spotted Nathan, and unloaded on him their gifts and food. Nathan gave Lucas a look Peyton was sure she wasn't meant to see. Lucas simply smiled, and took Peyton's hand and escorted them into the main dining room.

After having settled in, Lucas set off to find the birthday boy, while Peyton was left to mingle with the adults in the room. She spotted what she knew to be Brooke's gift through the glass doors that lead to the Scott's back yard. An enormous trampoline decorated with a red bow. Although the brunette's gift was clearly not to be missed, Brooke was nowhere to be found. At the height of her company's success, Brooke was all work and no play. Peyton has yet to fully formally update her best friend on the new occurrences in her life.

"So you and Lucas?" A male voice accosted Peyton from behind.

"Here to give me hell Nathan?" Peyton asked playfully as she turned around, recognizing the voice instantly.

"Just a little", he replied handing her one of two margaritas he held in hands. "I kind of figured."

"Oh yeah?" She took a swig of the cool drink. "Let me guess, Brother's intuition, right?" She quipped.

"Ha-ha. He does a lot less of that brooding thing he does now when we speak and you've always had a way with him. You look happy too."

"I am. Happier than I've been in a while." Her response is met with an intense stare from Nathan before he nods his head.

"Have you managed to find Haden in this…"

"Jungle", Peyton threw in to help him out. She shook her head. "He probably wouldn't even recognize me."

"That's not true. Haley couldn't get rid of all the pictures." The words are out before Nathan has a chance to realize that maybe he should have chosen his words more carefully and the weight of those unexpected words hit Peyton hard, and her attempt to mask the pain she felt was in vain.

She looked to Nathan in hopes that he would confirm that she had heard wrong, but underneath his breath, he greets her with a small string of curse words.

"Peyton," Nathan soon begins apologetically.

"It's okay Nate." Half full, she handed her drink back to him. "I should go find Lucas."

"Kitchen", Nathan informed solemnly, as watched the blonde walk away.

Emotionally charged Peyton felt that maybe it was best that she made an early exit, but the sound of Lucas' laughter rising above the boisterous crowd quickly caused her to change her mind. She wanted him to have a good night, not spend his time worrying about her.

She entered the kitchen only to find the source of her current negative emotions placing candles on Haden's birthday cake with Lucas.

The pair looked up when Peyton entered the room. Lucas pins Haley with a look that's hard to decipher, but she figures Lucas has already informed Haley that they are back together. Lucas looks at Peyton, and offers a smile before shuffling out the room, cake in hand.

"Were you able to taste the casserole? Lucas and I made it."

"We have more than enough food," Haley replied. A brush off and they both know it.

"Oh. Well just in case someone wants to try it would you like to help me set it up?" Peyton tried again, not sure why.

"I can't, besides someone needs to watch the kids, can't ever be too sure, wouldn't want them to disappear."

However relevant the statement was under the circumstances, it was meant for Peyton to hear, and meant to sting. Peyton was taken aback by the fact that Haley had not even bothered to disguise her contempt.

She watched as Haley began her retreat out of the kitchen, away from her, her anger brewed until it filled her with ferocity out of her control. "Are you ever going to let that go?"

Haley made a quick and sharp turnabout. "Are you asking me to forget about Lily?" Haley countered, brow furrowed, voice moderately high.

"No," Peyton replied as she refrained from rolling her eyes, she let out a frustrated sigh.

Peyton's leveled her eyes to meet with Haley's, not surprised to be met with a trace of open hostility.

Peyton blinked back tears as she gripped the counter beside her. "We used to be friends Haley, really good friends."

"Things change Peyton."

"Yeah," Peyton scoffed. "You, certainly being one of them."

Lucas had thought to make himself scarce, to give the girls a chance to talk, maybe work things out, but when he saw the pained expression on Peyton's face, the tears and the mask of indifference upon Haley's face he knew he had walked in on something entirely different.

"Whoa, Peyton are you okay? Hales? What happened?"

"I want to go home Lucas." Sadly, not to the home she and Lucas used to share more than a year ago, but back to her father's house.

Peyton couldn't get to the front door quick enough, vaguely aware that she was making a scene. Lucas was right behind her, and his two eldest nephews were right behind him questioning why he suddenly had to leave, not caring to mask their evident disappointment.

"Peyton!" Lucas called after the blonde. "Peyton wait. Just tell me what happened."

It was Peyton's turn to spin on her heels for a quick turnabout.

"I'm realizing that Haley and I may never be friends again, at least not like before and I'm going to have to be okay with that, live with it, but you… Lucas, what are_ we_ doing?"

It isn't lost on her that he hasn't apologized, that not once has he uttered the words, I forgive you, or I'm sorry.

"Do you forgive me Lucas?"

"Peyton, you know.." Lucas began.

Peyton shook her head vehemently cutting him off. "No. I want to hear you say it. I need to hear you say it or this, us... I can't Lucas. I wont."

A/N: So here is the long awaited, very long awaited chapter four. Hope you enjoyed it. Please let me know if you are still reading, and what you thought of the chapter. Again, I'm very sorry about the lack of updates, but I have a couple chapters written in addition to this one. My next update will be soon.

-Jess-


	5. Chapter 5

Shades of Gray

Disclaimer: I do not own anything One Tree Hill related!

Previously:

Peyton accompanies Lucas to his nephew's birthday party. Haley and Peyton argue. Peyton has some questions for Lucas.

Chapter Five

They arrived at Peyton's childhood home, clear from the commotion of the birthday party, away from the crowd of onlookers.

The words I'm sorry have fell from Lucas' lips, more than once in the span of the fifteen minute drive, but it's words, and a much needed conversation Lucas knew Peyton did not find suitable for a simple car ride home.

It isn't until they have exited the mustang, and have walked the length of the pathway that led to the steps of the front porch that Lucas grabbed hold of Peyton's hand, stilling her. Despite the fall season, the night air was warm, encircling them.

He rubbed his fingertips gently over her hand, pausing briefly at the base of her ring finger, reveling for a moment in the moment he proposed, how almost effortlessly he had slipped the engagement ring onto her finger.

The ring was simple. Silver, with a white gemstone, and as large as he could afford. Amid the tears and hugging, she had murmured the word yes to his proposal. It was one of the greatest moments of his life. And in that instant life was good, the life he wanted, the girl he wanted, that dream of his was right there in his hands.

Though Peyton doesn't wear the ring now, he can only envision his engagement ring, his wedding ring there and nowhere else.

Peyton turned around slowly, withdrew her hand from his, and fished out her keys to the house from her purse. "You walked away from us Lucas, from me. You blamed me like the rest of them. Up until now, I thought I could move past it, and that words like I forgive you were unnecessary, because its, well us, but I forgave you Lucas, I do forgive you, but I need to know that you forgive me too. "

The truth was Lucas had forgiven Peyton a long time ago, as much as he could ever forgive a person, because he loved her and because he knew she loved lily too. But sometimes it was all to much to wrap his head around, but he knew now that holding on to anger and resentment wouldn't rearrange the events of the past. Wouldn't bring Lily back, wouldn't bring Peyton back either.

"I love you Peyton". The words are out in the open now, no longer suppressed, buried in denial. It's a simple truth that he has never been able to escape, not as a young boy, not in his darkest of moments, and certainly not now.

"And I do forgive you." He touched her lightly, and this time she doesn't pull away. "And maybe, maybe I was afraid of saying it, because it would remind me that I needed your forgiveness too, and I hated that-that there was something I did intentionally to cause you to be angry with me. I know how much I hurt you, how much my family has hurt you, and I just want to say I'm sorry, for all of it."

The view from the upper balcony of Brooke's home was absolutely breathtaking.

The wooden railing-lined platform coasted along the back of the second floor of the large Victorian and offered an outstanding view of Tree Hill's scenery.

"You'll catch cold out here."

Brooke's words registered in Peyton's ears just as she felt the soft fabric of a wool jacket slide over her shoulders. Peyton drew the material tightly around her and turned to smile gratefully at the brunette.

"I'd forgotten how beautiful it was out here," Brooke exclaimed more to herself than to Peyton.

"Yeah, that's because you're hardly ever here. Too busy to even enjoy the luxury all the money you make affords."

Brooke doesn't reply to that, choosing instead to take a sip of her morning coffee, and even though she didn't say it, Brooke knew that Peyton missed her company, she knew because she missed Peyton's company too.

"I didn't mean to wake you. Saw your car outside on the way to work, thought I'd check in, didn't expect you to still be in bed. "

"Trouble in Lucasville?" Brooke broached.

"No." Peyton answered. "We're good actually. He's been great these last few days."

Brooke turned around and leaned back against the weathered wooden railing, her warm brown eyes soft as she observed Peyton intently.

"I feel a but coming on."

"No but," Peyton assured her as she stole a sip of coffee from her best friend's cup. The coffee tasted strong and rich on her tongue, definitely not the cheap stuff.

"And you don't think you two are moving too fast at all? I mean, you were a mess Peyton when he ended things and now it's like you've just forgotten all that. And what about Lucas, suddenly he's just…fine?

"Brooke, I love him, and you know Lucas…"

The brunette scoffed lightly to herself, and glared back at the view, the morning breeze gently tossing her hair. "Well, I thought I did anyway…and I thought I knew Haley. I had to hear from Millicent, my assistant that Haley blew up at you at Haden's birthday party?"

Brooke took hold of Peyton's hand. "Why didn't you call me?" Although Brooke can sense that her friend is happy, she isn't quick to share in her newly found contentment.

"I'm just worried about you ."

"I know, and thank you, but I'm fine- the heart wants what it wants."

"Okay," Brooke relented, though she still had her doubts. In all she wanted what was best for her friend. She ushered the blonde into the house. "Some new samples of my latest lingerie collection came in last night, you get the first peek at them, who knows maybe we can find you something to model for Lucas."

Peyton can't help but to roll her eyes, but yet she was thankful for Brooke's unwavering support.

The finished copy of An Unkindness of Ravens arrived in the mail one late afternoon. It's hardcover, and its jacket sleeve is a color combination of different shades of grey. Though he notes they've tweaked the illustration on the front cover somewhat from his initial concept, it still remained everything he could ask for.

The prospects of actually being a published author now seemed within genuine reach. He felt lucky and pleased to have a publishing company who was excited to be apart of the effort.

Elated, he called his mother and Haley to share the news. Unable to reach Peyton, he left both a voicemail on her cell phone and answering machine at RBR.

Over the course of the week, Lucas has left town twice, to address the promotion and marketing of his novel, unintentionally abandoning prior obligations like his coaching, and helping Peyton move her things back into the home they formerly shared.

When he finally had a day to himself, when there were no phone calls to be made, and no basketball practice to oversee, he took the stairs leading to Peyton's childhood bedroom two at a time.

He watched Peyton from where he stood in the doorway. In disarray on the bedroom floor, on her bed, are boxes, clothes, and records among many of her other belongings.

"Brings back memories," Peyton voiced, upon catching Lucas' figure in the doorway of her bedroom. She had finally found her slippers hidden beneath the bed, she smiled triumphantly and stuffed them in a medium sized cardboard box labeled 'Sleep wear'. "Only you weren't here for the first time, couldn't pull you away from coaching."

"No," Lucas corrected, as slid behind her, wrapped an arm around her waist. "You just couldn't wait for the weekend."

A smile crossed Peyton lips. "What? I was excited."

"Are you excited now?" Lucas asked.

"Yes", she replied as she leaned into him, resting her head against his chest. "You?"

Lucas nodded slowly, but definitely, contently.

She untangled herself easily out of his hold, swatted at him playfully. "Make yourself useful, help me pack something?"

"Yeah, sure where do I start?" A light chuckle escaped Lucas' lips as looked around the chaos that was her room. "Kind of looks like a tornado's been through here."

"Thanks," Peyton responded sarcastically. "Anywhere is fine."

Together they made their way around the room. While some items were packed and sealed for the haul across town, other items are discarded.

One of the last items to pack was Peyton's sketches, and while Lucas knew the blonde to be somewhat touchy about her artwork, he can't help but to look through them, drawn to them through history and by habit.

Worn and faded were images most familiar, a compilation of drawings from years past. But at the top of the assortment of illustrations, fairly new, and unfamiliar to his eyes laid a series of various images of his sister Lily- a number of snapshots detailing her last known whereabouts on the pier and among them, snapshots of an uncertain, scared or confused Peyton. One photo even hinted at what Lily may have grown to look like in years following her disappearance.

The life like quality of the illustrations was uncharacteristic to Peyton's usual artistic techniques and yet Lucas is not surprised at the high level of mastery displayed.

One by one Lucas sifted those images, each in some form managed to take his breath away. They were the raw and tangible evidence of Peyton's heartache and guilt documented vividly on paper, it both touched and concerned him.

He glanced briefly through the contents again, before he handed a sketch to Peyton. "You've never mentioned these."

She glanced only momentarily at the picture before she placed it back into its respective container. "Kind of like how you haven't mentioned that you are in the process of writing a new book… about loss, about Lily and Keith."

While both are surprised to have been exposed, neither was angry.

"I know it's not completely finished, but it's really beautiful Luke."

Lucas nodded in silent gratitude, though he doesn't necessarily care to talk about his new story at the moment, he's drawn back to the drawings, the sketches.

The look in his eyes softened. He took a few steps forward and lowered his head closer to hers. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you Peyton."

Peyton was quiet for a moment, but then smiled up at him softly, her hand soft and steady closed around his.

"You're here now."

A/N: So that was chapter five, not as long as the last update, but hope you enjoyed it anyways! Thanks to all of those who are still reading and for the reviews! If you liked the chapter let me know what you think. Leave a review! Next chapter will be up soon!

-Jess-


	6. Chapter 6

Shades of Gray

Disclaimer: I do not own anything OTH related at all.

Previously:

Peyton confronts Lucas. Brooke and Peyton catch up. Lucas helps Peyton move back in with him.

Chapter Six

For a long time she was the daughter his mother always yearned for, the little sister he had sometimes hoped for when he hadn't been wishing for a brother. As childhood best friends they were inseparable, she molded right into the fabric of his life so easily. It was hard for Lucas to imagine what his life would be like without her. And now she was very much his sister, related by marriage to the little brother at one point he didn't even know he had. Rarely were they ever at real odds with one another, but this time he felt the strain in their relationship, in its harmonies, in its ease.

She was in her classroom, alone, when he found her. The last of straggling students having made their exit from classroom a little over a minute ago. A scattered mess of papers surrounded her; she held a highlighter in one hand a red ink pen in the other.

Upon a defiled, empty desk Lucas abandoned his jacket and keys, startling the brunette, her concentration lost. "Hey, what are you doing here?'' Haley asked as she looked up at him, regarded him almost warily.

Lucas moved slowly through the classroom, sat atop a desk opposite of her. "Just how long are we going to play this game?"

"What game?" Haley asked, casting the pens she held in her hand aside.

A muscle pulsed in Lucas' jaw. "So were both not avoiding talking to each other? I'm just imaging things?"

Haley gestured to the scattered array of articles on her desk. "I haven't been avoiding you Luke. I've just been busy."

Although a plausible excuse, it was only a partial truth, and they both knew it. With a resigned sigh, Lucas decided to get to the heart of the matter. "Don't you think you owe Peyton an apology? What you said to her at the party was pretty harsh, and not to mention uncalled for."

At the mention of her name, Haley closed her eyes, bit at the inside of her mouth. "So what, because you two are glued at the hip again, I'm just supposed to forget what happened, get on board?"

While he believed that she could never actually hate Peyton, he could see that her loyalties laid elsewhere, with him, his mother, with her own family. She sympathized with Karen who was a reservoir of pain and hurt. Haley sided with her, much of it he knew was because similar to his mother, Haley was also a parent, a mother to three kids of her own, and the thought of losing one of her own children he knew was much more than she could bear.

"I didn't say that, but you could at least try. He hesitated momentarily. I remember…"

Haley shook her head, not caring to hear his spiel on some happy moment they all shared some odd years ago, or even last year. She knew him that well. She stood up, rounded her desk, and gently laid her hand on the desk's corner. "You know what I remember?" She looked away, her expression somewhat impassive. "I remember that for a long time Jamie was afraid to leave my side whenever we went out, too afraid to let go of my hand, afraid to sleep in his own bed, scared something might happen to him like his aunt Lily. Sometimes I enabled his fear, because I was just as scared as he was. I still am."

Lucas watched as she fell inside of the painful memory before glancing up from her own sorrow to meet his eyes.

"Bad things happen Haley, you know that." Bad things always seemed to happen to Peyton.

She looked at him earnestly. "I know you're happy Luke. Still, Lily is missing and nothing is the same as it was."

"Lily is gone Hales."

He watched her linger, shifting her feet, blatantly deliberating something. "Do you really believe that?"

There was a silence, and then he answered, a quiet "Yeah." He had to.

Haley arched a doubtful brow, tried but failed to hide her frown.

She didn't have to say a word; he sensed her disappointment in him. And while he refused to fully acknowledge it, he often considered that maybe she thought that he didn't do enough to find his sister, that he gave up too soon. Maybe it was the truth, but he had made a choice to move on. Having hope could be just as paralyzing as grief.

"Look, forget I came." He stood up, had taken a few steps towards the door, when she called out to him, her expression softening.

"I'm sorry Lucas." It wasn't him she owed an apology to, but he decided he wouldn't press.

"I'm not asking you to befriend Peyton again." He paused. "If you're not ready…"

"Then what are you asking?"

Lucas shifted slightly, drew a long breath. "I'm just saying, she's in my life now, whether you like it or not."

Peyton stood in the kitchen washing dishes, when she felt the weight of Lucas' arm around her waist, the press of his lips against her temple, against her neck. She relaxed into his embrace. "You're home early."

"Yeah, practice ended early" Lucas replied. The flatness of his voice caught Peyton off guard.

Unsettled, Peyton dried her hands and turned to face him. She studied his face. Troubled and exhausted. With her hand she gently caressed the side of his face. "Did the boys give you trouble today?"

"No more than usual."

Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Okay, then what's wrong?" When he moved into the den, she was quick to follow.

"I saw Haley today."

Together, they sat on the couch. Peyton shifted her weight to face him, folded her legs underneath her, gave Lucas a weary look. "Oh so you mean, she actually decided to come out of hiding?"

Lucas glanced away to hide his own disappointment. "Actually, I went to her."

Her features hardened at that information. "I assume it didn't go well."

"Not exactly," Lucas answered.

Peyton looked away. "Does it matter?" She then added quietly.

Lucas pursed his lips, searched for the right words. "It shouldn't, but you want the people most important in your life to be happy for you, to support you…"

She watched as his eyes clouded over with pain, and it pierced her heart. The all-too familiar, bitter taste of regret filled her throat and mouth, sickening her. "And if they aren't?" She managed to choke out.

"Then you leave town", he joked after a moment, but grew serious again.

"I know I told you that my mom, didn't seem to care one way or the other that we are back together, but honestly I have no idea what she thinks because she didn't say a word to me when I told her, hasn't said anything about it since."

"Well, you once said, that they just need time, we can give them that," Peyton tried, but even to her own ears she didn't seem that convinced that time would change anything. As not even more than a year's worth of time did not seem to have softened the worst of it, nor remove any of the sting. And though she wouldn't admit it to Lucas, it overshadows the glimpse of hope she desperately wants to see, sometimes leaving her feeling like she might have jumped into something that would soon leave her worse off than before.

Lucas blew a long deep breath of something between acceptance and resignation. "Anyways, tell me about your day." He smiled at her, hoping to offer some encouragement.

Peyton tilted her head slightly, before the corners of her mouth rose. "Well, "she began, choosing to respond to his question, instead of expanding upon the conversation past.

A/N: So that was chapter 6, sorry it's a little short and sorry about the wait. Happy Holiday's everyone one! Let me know what you think of the chapter. Reviews are great! 3

-Jess


	7. Chapter 7

Shades of Gray

Disclaimer: I do not own anything OTH related.

Previously:

Lucas and Haley finally speak after having not really spoken to each other in awhile . Lucas and Peyton have a small discussion.

**Note: **Italicized text = Flashback

**Chapter Seven**

Although the snow had only stopped falling a few hours prior to their arrival, the New York air was still cold, sharp and unrelenting. Once off the plane, the crowded JFK New York terminal served as their comfort from the cold, but not for long.

With back to back business meetings lined up for the better portion of the day, Lucas quickly hailed them a cab. Lucky to be able to schedule her own work hours at her record company, Peyton was glad to accompany Lucas on the trip, to be there to support him in the final processes of the publication of his novel.

The last time she had been to New York, Brooke was merely an up-and-coming fashion designer, adapting to the hustle and bustle of the city life fairly quickly, which surprised Peyton. Although she can hardly recall the experience, the first time she had been to New York was with her father right after her mom died.

It wasn't until after three o'clock in the afternoon that both she and Lucas were finally able to acquire a moment to themselves. Together, they walked the streets of the city, shrouded in snow, blending in with the other tourists milling about, purchasing postcards and souvenirs.

They took the subway to midtown Manhattan and when two strange men invaded their space, got a little too close for comfort, Peyton felt Lucas' arm fall around her waist protectively, pulling her in close.

In Central Park they made snow angels, working hard with great concentration that made them both squint back tears of laughter. Over steaming hot chocolate and warm apple cider in a small downtown café, they shared smiles and laughter, their drinks burning pleasantly against freshly cold skin. Conversations passed between them without a single word spoken a loud. It was a familiar, quiet intensity, an air that settled around them that Peyton believed would make things slow, gave things weight and purpose.

Somewhere between nine and ten p.m, worn out and hungry, they dined at a romantic restaurant, one Lucas spotted on his last excursion into the city. The reservation he made the night before came in handy, though the wait didn't appear to be all that bad. Peyton felt slightly underdressed in comparison to the other diners, and the price of the food was steep, but Lucas insisted that the quality of the food was well worth its price. And it was.

When the loud shrill of the hotel's bedroom's phone penetrated the silence that blanketed them in mid sleep, it was Lucas who rolled over to retrieve it. Naked, half awake, and somewhat alarmed Peyton glanced at the clock beside her. The neon red numbers glowed back at her, 3:02 am.

In a hurry they got dressed. In less than fifteen minutes all their belongings were packed. While Peyton checked them out of the hotel, on the outside of the hotel Lobby, Lucas flagged down a cab. They reached the airport in less than thirty.

"_What do you remember? Can you remember anything else? Did you notice or hear anything peculiar or see anyone strange?" The questions are asked almost simultaneously. With pens and paper in hand, the police wait to take down her statement, the statements of potential witnesses. _

_In her own personal state of disbelief, Peyton tries to answer as best as she can, tries to answer the questions as they come, one by one, but she senses there disappointment, and feels stifled by her own. Her memory is faulty, and nothing she says seems to offer any assistance. _

_The truth is she had let go of Lily's hand for an instant, and then she was gone. Everything she remembers after that was a blur of chaos and confusion, it still is._

_In the course of answering questions she fights hard to regain control, even harder to not only remember the details surrounding Lily's disappearance but to breathe. _

_A quiet town, family oriented, with friendly neighbors, it's hard for Peyton to peg anything as being strange or peculiar. And even though the county sheriff and detectives jobs are to construct a series of possibilities and scenarios, both are quick to entertain one notion, but she cant think of anyone who would want to take a little girl, someone who would purposely take Lily. She could barley manage to say the word disappeared in association with Lily, the word kidnapped sounds even worse. _

_The night air grows colder and the growing darkness makes it hard for anyone to really see, but the search continues. The amount of police force present is overwhelming, though the possibilities of where Lily could be seem to be infinite, hitting Peyton with paralyzing weight. She blinks back more tears, determined not to cry just yet. There is still hope._

_The lone question asked from somewhat of distance, shatters through the voices of the chattering detectives, through the noise in her head. "Why did you let go of her hand?" Right then, the question is more inquisitive than blaming. She knows that voice, a friendly face; Haley. Beside her stands Nathan. His hand, firm and supportive on Lucas' shoulder. _

_Peyton opens her mouth to speak, certain she has no logical excuse, doesn't have a sound answer that wouldn't require further explanation. _

_She had let go of Lily's hand because Lily had asked her to, and that was her mistake. Although the somewhat feisty brunette was six years old, she was still but a child, and she was the adult. Sometimes too often, today, Peyton wanted to play the role of a friend, but she should have known better than that, she should have known where to draw the line. _

_There is a tug on her shoulder, a familiar stern voice asking that she'd accompany him to the police station for further questioning. _

That memory came rushing back like it was yesterday, as often as she relived the moment, it could have been.

It has been close to twenty months since that day and while there have been some leads, never anything that held, nothing that gave Peyton, or Lucas' family the answers they were looking for.

It was only just after a few months they had lost the interest of the police, the novelty of the situation seeming to have worn off, the chance of finding Lily alive having dropped drastically. And with time, fliers on telephone poles, grocery store windows, and local school bulletin boards faded away.

Why now? And why not under different circumstances? Peyton thought amid the two hour wait to catch their flight. The muscles in her stomach tightened with anticipation and dread.

She felt as she were continuously walking on a tightrope. When safety…happiness seemed within reach, there was always a misstep, a mishap of some kind, some unfortunate event in the works that would send her falling.

The scheduled flight back home to Tree Hill was around two hours, a direct flight with no layovers, but for either of the blondes it wouldn't appear to get them back home fast enough. The second hand on Lucas' watch, which peeked from beneath the cuff of his sweater sleeve moved with slow and painful precision.

Peyton touched Lucas' arm, squeezed it, a partial gesture of support and comfort, but also a tangible reminder that said hey, _I'm still here_. Lucas blue eyes focused on her with a look of helpless frustration. Peyton tightened her hand over his arm.

Out of the small window of the plane, her green eyes watched the dwindling twinkling lights of the New York skyline. And though she was hardly religious she closed her eyes and said a small prayer.

The reached Tree Hill shortly before nine o'clock in the morning. "We're here", Peyton voiced, her words soft and strained just as the captain announced their arrival. Her stomach, which had been in an uproar most of the flight, shot directly to her shoes, reality closely setting in.

On familiar town roads, Peyton tried not to speed. With a sudden tightness in her chest, she pulled into the driveway of Karen Roe's home. The one story house was small and once welcoming. It used to be a house she had not too long ago been as familiar with as her own. She killed the ignition, waited for the awful tightness in her chest to ease. It didn't. Peyton turned to face Lucas, though uncertain of the words she wanted to say just then.

Eyes closed, Lucas hauled in a shaky breath. "What if it's Lily, Peyton?" A question he was too scared to voice until now.

"What if its not?" Peyton countered as their eyes caught, but the question weighed in on her. She tried hard to be calm, swallowing her fear. "What if its not?" She stressed again, this time hoping to sway her own thoughts.

"Sometimes I wished she was actually dead, that the police found a body just so I knew that she wasn't out there suffering." He shook his head, as if to shake the thought away. "I want you to come with me, come inside."

"Lucas I don't think that's a good idea. Your mom…it just doesn't seem like the right time."

Lucas insisted, sighting that they had to find a way to be a family again. "Hiding here wont do that." He paused, unbuckled his seatbelt, hand poised over the car door's handle. "I want you to come in. I need you."

**A/N: Merry Christmas Everyone! Hope you enjoyed chapter 7. Let me know what you think. Reviews are awesome! **

-Jess


	8. Chapter 8

Shades of Gray

Disclaimer: I do not own OTH or anything related.

Previously:

Lucas and Peyton fly home from New York to some shocking news.

Chapter Eight

His mother's house was quiet, unearthly quiet upon entering and the only light in the living room was from a small lamp at the end of the couch. Karen, dark brown eyes, rimmed red with sheer exhaustion stood in the middle of the room in prior anticipation of his arrival. Quickly, Lucas crossed the room and held her firmly against him. The dark circles under her eyes, the paper thin skin; his mother was still the very image of discomfort and gloom.

When the town sheriff and the county detective arrived a few minutes later as if on cue, Peyton, who Lucas detected had been keeping her distance let them in. Their polite voices in the hall had at first brought him fragile hope, but he realized quickly that that was simply a matter of wishful thinking.

Upon their entrance into the main room, without delay Lucas noted their somber appearance. And while the men exchanged pleasantries with he and his mother, their voices were now steady, their words formal, which he believed to have meant only one thing.

And despite all the preparation they've done, it didn't help to ward off the blow of the detective's words.

_"The dental records were a match. The body we've discovered is your daughter Lily." _

Lucas felt his eyes fill with tears, thought he might throw up. He tried to draw in enough breath to keep from collapsing. He felt Peyton at his side almost instantly; she grabbed his hand, held it tightly.

Loud, and sorrowful his mother's anguished cry filled the room, drowned out the condolences of the suited men.

Lucas couldn't help but to think that this had all been a mistake, a misunderstanding of some sort. He couldn't help but think that maybe the detectives had the wrong little girl, and the girl that had a body matching the physical description of Lily was someone else's daughter, someone else's sister. If it wasn't a mistake, then a dream perhaps.

But it wasn't a mistake, or a dream. It was Lily; her dental records that were electronically transmitted to the crime lab upon his mother's approval were conclusive.

The skeletal remains of her body had been discovered three miles away from the Tree Hill beach front, spotted by a pair of daring late night swimmers. After a period of investigation, they had enough information to determine that no foul play was involved in the cause of death. Lily had drowned, bringing to a grim close the mystery over her whereabouts.

The words of the officers hung in the air, while Lucas heard them, they didn't sink in. He frowned, sorting through the facts, wishing they made sense. Lily had never learned to swim, his mother too afraid to risk the possibility of an accident of some kind. Lucas, himself hadn't even learned to swim until he was in the sixth grade. He wondered why Lily would go near the water without supervision. What would have lured her there? Or Who?

In tears of heartache, and overwhelmed by the information absorbed, his mother collapsed, fell unconscious onto the couch.

"Karen!" Lucas heard Peyton yell, over his own shouts of concern. The detective's offers to help were appreciated but Lucas insisted that they see themselves out. Together, he and Peyton tended to Karen, helped her to her room, where she would then demand to be left alone.

Soon after, Peyton found Lucas in Lily's bedroom, sitting on her bed with his head in his hands, elbows braced on his knees.

Lily's room had remained untouched, stayed in the same state as she had left it last; coloring books strewn across the floor, crayons scattered across a table and bed only partly made. From what Peyton knew, neither Karen nor Lucas could bear to alter a thing.

For a moment, Peyton stood still, gripped in indecision. Not sure as to whether she should grant him the moment of solitude or make a move to offer comfort and support. She remembered once having tried in her own way to swim the invisible moat that he had rung around himself, when Lily had first been declared missing, but her attempts failed. She hoped this time would be different.

She walked gingerly towards him. "Luke," she whispered in an ache of sorrow and sympathy which rolled into one overwhelming knot of emotion, causing her chest to tighten.

Upon having heard his name, Lucas reached out to her, for her. And that small, simple action on his part gave Peyton all the hope she needed.

She sat beside him on the bed. She shook her head, her eyes flooded with fresh tears. "I'm so sorry Lucas."

Wrapped in her arms, he began to cry in earnest. He sagged against her, his arms tightening almost painfully around her.

Peyton whispered words of comfort, only phrases such as "Lily's in a better place" once voiced sounded to her own ears empty and meaningless. Her own experiences with death and loss should have reminded her that such sentiments, though in good spirits never really helped.

"Yeah, a better place," Lucas repeated quietly after a while, his voice already coded with a bit of resentment. "Peyton, Lily drowned. She drowned."

Peyton winced at his words, wished she could take those words back. He sat up to look at her.

"As far as I am concerned, Lily's laying at the bottom of an ocean somewhere. It's hard to find relief or peace in that."

"Maybe", Peyton tried, "You can take comfort in the belief that Lily is now with Keith somewhere, wherever that is and he's taking care of her."

She could sense his tension ease, at the words. The thought having seemed to soothe him if only for the moment.

"I'm worried about my mom. Keith's gone, now Lily and she still worries about my heart condition. She's miserable. Lucas closed his eyes and swallowed heavily. I' m afraid all of this is going to put her in an early grave. I can't lose her too."

"Karen's a strong person Lucas. She raised you as a single mother. We watched her get through Keith's death; she'll get through this and whatever else. You'll help her. She pressed his hand, a gentle gesture. "And I'll help you."

Peyton hoped to have imparted some kind of certainty to him, an absolute faith that things were going to be okay so that he didn't have to worry, but she knew that he would worry anyway, and that she would worry too.

"Hey, come here", Lucas requested after a moment. He slipped an arm around her shoulder and with his hand he wiped at her recently shed tears. "I'm sorry that things couldn't have turned out better for me and my mom. He looked at her profoundly. "For you. The guilt you carry, I felt the same way when Keith died and I blamed myself a long time for it, for the way that he died. Sometimes I still do, but it gets easier Peyton. It will."

His words were her undoing, her cries, stifled by the gentle press of her face into his neck.

The house phone rang in the distance. It's high-pitched, persistent sound filing the undisturbed silence between them as they sat back against Lily's bed and held one another.

"Nathan and Haley?" Peyton supposed.

"Or the press." Lucas forewarned her, with a solemn shake of his head and maneuvering himself out of the bed to retrieve the phone.

A few hours later, bare feet, on hardwood floor, Peyton padded silently out of the bedroom of Lucas' youth, careful to leave his sleeping form undisturbed and into the kitchen.

Even though she's hardly had any real sleep within the past twenty four hours, it was still early in the day and her mind was still awake, she was hungry and she had a few personal phone calls of her own to make. All the necessary phone calls Lucas had to make had been made; all the necessary words to the reporters had been said. There wasn't anything left to say, or anything more anyone could do.

When Peyton spotted her, it was too late to turn around, flee back into the direction from which she came.

With only the kitchen table between the two, they stood face to face.

Bewildered at the sight of Peyton, Karen's mouth had all but disappeared into a thin pursed line. The coffee mug she held in her hand was placed on the kitchen counter. In light of all that has happened she must have forgotten Peyton was there.

Words eluded Peyton. She listened to her heart throb in her chest, hard and fast. She suddenly felt like an intruder, having just been caught entering into a place, which she didn't belong, wasn't welcomed to. In this case, the former all applied, she was an intruder. Karen had once made it clear that she wasn't welcomed in her home anymore.

Her surprise and confusion still apparent, Karen continued to regard her, in what Peyton can only assume to be silent suspicion. And although Peyton couldn't formulate any words at the moment, her face, she knew was wreathed in apology, in shyness, and in shame.

It hurt to Peyton to think of what her former would have been mother law thought of her now. They hadn't spoken in over a year. Perhaps in her silence the woman was choking back explicatives. Although rather uncharacteristic of the petite woman, Peyton could imagine a few choice words she might have as mother, toward someone in her unfortunate position.

"Karen, I- I mean Ms. Roe. I was-"

"Just leaving," answered Karen for her.

There was a slight moment in which Peyton considered it, to just leave. Why not make things easier on them both? But her life's been anything but easy and right then she wanted nothing more than for Karen to properly acknowledge her existence, her relationship with her Lucas, and to be at peace with her. "No, I wasn't leaving".

"You're not welcomed here Peyton. Certainty not now. "

Peyton tried to keep the heavy sigh from escaping her lips, but it settles into the room in spite of her efforts. "I know you blame me for what happened to lily and…"

"You are to blame," Karen brashly corrected, cutting Peyton off, her eyes slitted and fierce. "Lily would still be here if it weren't for you."

Peyton shifted her weight, slightly stepped into the living room, the air thick between them with what they both knew to be true.

"I'm sorry," Peyton whispered. But Karen was no stranger to her apologies, or her efforts to make them, but by now Peyton was unsure on how else to say it.

"Karen…"

"Sorry isn't going to bring Lily back." At the height of her emotions, Karen's grief and sorrow pierced the kitchen, raw and heartbreaking. "We trusted you Peyton…I trusted you!"

The words she used to be able to say so freely within either Karen's or Lucas' presence, felt useless now. She was sure Karen would be unconvinced, but she meant them then and now nonetheless. As she stared at the woman before her, her voice quavered slightly, and she cleared her throat to steady it.

"I love Lily… I loved her." She had never meant to hurt Lily, to hurt any of them.

She would have never wanted to be the one responsible for the knowledge that Karen, or any mother for that matter would never see their child again, never see their smile or hear their laugh; never hold or kiss their child; never tell them how much they mean to them ever again. She would have given anything to have not been the person responsible for the destruction of all Karen's dreams for her little girl.

"Can you bring my daughter back?" Karen asked, almost pleaded.

Somehow Peyton knew the question was a rhetorical one, so she didn't answer, wouldn't know how. A new wave of tears pooled in her eyes, the pain she felt drawing closer to the surface.

"I loved her Karen", Peyton found herself repeating, assuring, her face now stained with tears.

What sounded like a small stifled sob tore from Karen's mouth, from somewhere deep inside and as she stared back at the blonde there seemed to be a moment of recognition and though no words were exchanged, Peyton sensed that maybe, finally Karen was realizing just how much she was hurting too and that aching weight and sense of loss she felt, Peyton felt them too. Maybe this wasn't Karen actually forgiving her, perhaps maybe just understanding.

* * *

A/N: Happy New Year Everyone! Hope you enjoyed Chapter 8! My apologies to those who wanted Lily to be found alive, I'm a sucker for heartache and tragedy. Granted, I did debate over the two scenarios, either her being found alive or dead for quite some time though. Well, let me know what you all think! Reviews are love! Any questions? Feel free to ask!

-Jess


	9. Chapter 9

Shades of Gray

Disclaimer: I do not own OTH or anything related.

Previously:

Lucas, Peyton and Karen find out little Lily wont be coming back home alive.

**Chapter Nine**

A conventional funeral for Lily was out the question. Her remains were cremated; small, fragile bones burned into a pile of ashes.

Though he would have liked to have spread his sister's ashes, somewhere, someplace she had once enjoyed, Lucas didn't argue when his mother insisted the container, concealing her ashes be placed in none other than the child's room.

A mosaic of images swam before his eyes as he stepped out of the undoubtedly childlike room. He wondered when he would be able to think about Lily, feel remorse at the life taken away, but not feel such overwhelming sadness. The loss, the physical sensation of loss, seemed more devastating and utterly complete now that Lily was actually gone, dead, not coming back.

It had taken Lucas years to accept Keith's death, to let him go. The sadness he felt for him was now replaced by a lingering poignancy at his memory of the 17 years they shared together. If he could be sure of anything though he knew without a doubt that he wouldn't forget his sister.

In his mother's living room, the gathering of mourners consisted of only a select few.

The absence of what was supposed to be happening filled the space between him and everyone else. No words were spoken; the food his mother managed to cook was practically left untouched. He was greeted with silence, fraught with tension.

To the left of the room stood Peyton and Brooke, and to his right his brother family, Haley, their three kids and Deb.

The divide was more than Lucas could bear now, though the loss of Lily wasn't the only acting catalyst for its creation; he was more than aware that his own initial grief and unenthusiastic attitude toward Peyton and her involvement in the matter had helped to pit the parties further against one another. His own anger had only cemented his families stance, strengthened their convictions.

It was time that he said something, but what? They had found someone to blame, their scapegoat for such a horrible loss. They simply refused to see anything else, to believe anything else, and he didn't see that changing, especially not now.

Peyton hated hospitals, feared them, stepping into one always reminded her of the day her mother died. Till this day, she still had a hard time seeing all the sad and somber faces of the people that filled the waiting rooms, she has and an even harder time knowing that she is one of them.

The white walls, the constant noise of machines, the unfailingly forged empathy from everyone she met made her stomach knot with anxiety. It never mattered which one she was in either; they were all the same to her.

"Hey Mia. It's me, Peyton," she whispered as stepped farther into room. Aside from the room being filled heavily with flowers and balloons, it was vacant. Though she knew very little about Mia's complete state of condition, she knew that even though she lay unconscious, she could still hear. "You know, if you wanted out your record contract, you could have picked a less dramatic way to do it," she joked through the tears that sprang to her eyes at the unfortunate sight of the musically talented, raven haired young woman.

A six month long tour had been too long, Peyton thought as she took hold of the pale hand that lay limp on the bed. Although she hadn't known Mia too long, they had a good rapport with one another, almost a sister-like bond, so she was more than upset when she got the call that Mia had slipped and fallen from a stage during her welcome back concert in Tree Hill. The impact of the fall had caused massive trauma to her brain.

Irrespective of the doctor's words, the optimism in his voice, Peyton knew that there was still a chance that they could lose Mia.

"Promise me, you'll pull through this Mia. We can nix the choreography. You're a _singer_, that's good enough for me, and it'll have to be good enough for everyone else out there too."

"How's she doing?" Strained with hesitation, Haley's voice greeted Peyton, drawing her out of her thoughts, halting her in mid speech.

"The same, although the doctors are hopeful," Peyton addressed Haley quietly.

Haley shifted uncomfortably, stuck her hands in the pockets of stylish dark washed jeans only to pull them out a second later. "It's crazy out there. Did they search you?"

"No. Perks of being the owner of RBR," Peyton answered with a faint smile that didn't quite reach her eyes as she found herself playing along in Haley's polite game of avoidance.

Heels clicking softly on the linoleum floor as if not to disturbed Mia, Peyton watched as Haley crossed the remaining distance from where she stood to the opposite side of the bed in which Mia laid and placed a light kiss on the girl's forehead.

Still at odds with one another, with Haley unable, unwilling to put the past year's events, the recent news of Lily's death behind her, the barrier it created between the two girls was still stick as ever.

The silence that loomed between the two of them as they stood over Mia's bed was ugly, and Peyton hated it, but she embraced it for she didn't have any proper thoughts to fill it.

She tried to busy herself with the details of the room, fully taking in the vast amount of floral arrangements, and wondering where Mia's parents were. Her attention else where, and yet she could feel Haley's gaze on her, studying her.

"Are you pregnant?"

The question came as a surprise to Peyton, although it probably shouldn't have.

Having been pregnant three times, she suspected that Haley could probably spot the signs of a pregnant woman anywhere, no matter how small the signs or symptoms were. Peyton, herself estimated that she only a few weeks pregnant.

Alarm shot through Peyton and she froze, but quickly she allowed herself a tight

smile. "Lucas doesn't know yet."

"Why not?" Haley asked her brows knitted together in confusion.

"Haven't found a good time. Seems like we can't catch a break," with her hands Peyton gestured to Mia's comatose form laying in the hospital bed.

"You should tell him, Peyton." Although Peyton doesn't want to hear the judgment in Haley's voice, it's there. Can not be missed.

Haley's brown eyes are probing, and Peyton is forced to look away. She was probably wondering what type of mother she would be, Peyton thought to herself. And it wouldn't surprise her, in lieu of everything that's happened with Lily, she found herself wondering the same. Not only that, but she didn't have her mom anymore, or even Ellie to model herself after, to heed parenting advice. The thought of motherhood scared her now more than before and there lay the more accurate reason why she hadn't told Lucas yet.

Haley drew in a deep breath, and Peyton was instantly disconnected from her disturbing thoughts. She watched as Haley opened her mouth, and then closed it.

Whatever she was struggling with saying, Peyton didn't want to hear it. If it was some form of an apology, she felt it was too late for that. Things between the two of them would never be the same, not how it used to be. If mended, their relationship would always be fragile she felt, the balance consistently tenuous.

If it were more words coded in resentment and distrust she had experienced in previous encounters, she definitely didn't want to stick around to be on the receiving end of such words either.

She had plenty of other words to hear that were more pressing anyway; from show productions managers, press related media, and disgruntled fans now that upcoming projects and shows she had scheduled for Mia would fall underway in light of the girl's recovery. If she recovered at all.

Just as she was about to turn and say her goodbye's to Mia, there was a stir from the bed, and suddenly from beneath the fluttering of lashes, dark eyes aligned with hers. With unsteady hands Mia tried to pull out the oxygen tube affixed to her nose.

"Don't touch that!" Peyton and Haley both cried in unison.

"You scared me for a while there," Peyton stated, before she swallowed thickly, her vision blurring. She felt Mia's hand squeeze around hers.

"Well, well. Pregnant are we?" Mia croaked out, through parched, dry lips as she took in the small, box like room, and Haley before her eyes landed back on Peyton.

Peyton winced, a rush of embarrassment climbing up into her face. "Forget you heard that for now, and let's focus on you."

"Do you need anything? Water? Are you in pain?'' Haley hastened to add, which Peyton was thankful for. The corner of Mia's mouth quirked up into a light smile in amused acknowledgement of the pointed change of subject, but she let it slide.

Lucas was in the middle of a phone conversation with his brother sometime late in the evening, when he learned that he was about to become a father.

Unable to contain her news any longer, Peyton had instructed him to hang up or place his brother on hold. He had opted for the former, though somewhat reluctant as he was unsure of when he would next speak to his brother again, as phone calls between them were already few and far in between. It still managed to surprise him, when he thought of his brother actually playing in the NBA.

_I'm pregnant_, she had said from the doorway leading into their bedroom.

The moment seemed unreal and Lucas could hardly contain his elation. Quickly, he stood up from the desk chair in which he sat, crossed the extent of the room that separated them and pressed a kiss to Peyton's lips, pressed a gentle hand to her stomach already lost in the images of what his child might look like, what he or she would grow up to be.

His smile wavered and his hand fell from her stomach, when he noticed the enthusiasm for the news of their pregnancy seemed to be one-sided.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, just tired," Peyton answered. In between the morning sickness, which she had been working hard to conceal, and actual work, now slightly elevated on the account that Mia was back in town, she had felt more exhausted than usual.

Lucas looked at Peyton inquisitively and Peyton was pretty sure he knew that she was lying. "You're not happy," he surmised and felt his heart sink.

"It's not that," she replied hating that her conflicting emotions were a burden on what was to be a happy moment.

"Then what is it? Are you worried about getting big?" He wrapped his arms around her waist, offered her a smile that was meant to be reassuring. "Well there's no way around that. You'll still be the sexiest thing to me."

A faint glimmer of some emotion Lucas could only identify as uncertainty haunted Peyton eyes before she looked away.

"You're going to make a great mother Peyton," he said with unmistakable sincerity when it suddenly dawned on him where the hesitation stemmed from. "Just like we've talked about before."

"Really, because I couldn't even take care of your sister and now she's gone," Peyton voiced as she pulled away from him, went to stand next to their king size bed. "And what about Jenny?"

"Jenny?" Lucas asked confused before reacquainting himself with the memory of the little blonde baby, and her father, Jake, a former friend of his and ex boyfriend of Peyton's.

"You were ready to be a mother to her then, even proposed to Jake, so the three of you could be a family," Lucas reminded Peyton with a tinge of bitterness in his voice as he recalled earlier conversations they once had about the now estranged ex-lovers.

He stood before her now. "Nikki, stole her right from under me."

He had no words to offer her then, just a gentle hand on her cheek. "Lily loved you Peyton, and I'm sure Jenny would be thankful for all the times you took care of her."

"I am scared, Luke." Peyton admitted.

"I am too", Lucas admitted as well, while making a mental note to think of all the possible questions he could and would have to ask his brother, now that he had a child of his own on the way. He was having a _child._ A new life was beginning, his and Peyton's, the life of their unborn child.

"I'm scared too Peyton", Lucas verbalized again. "But you know what? We can be scared together, and we can learn how to be parents together."

Peyton held the weight of his words in her mind. The dark cloud that seemed to permeate the room, lifted.

"What are we going to name her?" Peyton asked as she raked a hand through her hair, the possibilities seemingly endless.

"Oh, so you're already certain that our baby is a girl? How about we name _him_ Jr. He sat down on their bed, pulled her down beside him. "Lucas Jr."

"Because you're so great" Peyton teased sarcastically. The twinkle in her eyes that she got when she was happy brings a smile of relief to his face.

"You just noticed?" Lucas joked along with her, matching her tit for tat.

"Did you tell Brooke? Lucas asked Peyton, knowing that the feisty brunette would probably be pissed off if she didn't know first. "I can already see her buying out toy stores, baby clothing stores. We may need to put a restraining order out against her once little Jr. is born."

They sat laughing together for a while. Despite his teasing manner, Peyton wouldn't put the excessive and obsessive shopping for their baby past Brooke. She was grateful that her son or daughter would have someone else that would love him or her as much as she knew her best friend Brooke would.

"Yes, I told her. Haley knows too."

"Oh, are you two talking again?" Lucas asked.

"No." Peyton quickly addressed. "But she knows."

When she didn't elaborate on the matter, he doesn't ask her to, instead he just kisses her.

"You're pretty good at that, you know? Peyton voiced when they both had pulled away from the kiss. "With everything… with me."

"That's what I'm here for," Lucas replied, his voice genuine. He moved closer to her, allowing his serious expression to soften with a slow, enigmatic smile. "And I want to be here. Forever Peyton." In the quiet comfort of their room, he stared at her with a driving force that compelled her to look at him. "_No matter what_. Marry me Peyton? He asked, his voice resolute and steady.

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews, story alerts, etc! They mean a lot. Thanks for sticking with me. Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Thoughts? Comments? Reviews are LOVE! **

**-Jess**


	10. Chapter 10

Shades of Gray

Disclaimer: I do not own OTH or anything related.

**Previously:**

Peyton informs Lucas that she is pregnant. Lucas ask Peyton to marry him. (Realizing, how horrible that looks. Haha)

**Chapter Ten**

Seated beside him, Peyton felt a mix of emotions. They had been down this road before, and perhaps that's where the problem lied for her.

Lucas was proposing _again_ and it brought to the forefront a doubt about them, about him that had gotten jumbled, overlooked in the state of contentment they had been living in for some time now.

Maybe she just buried it because it was necessary, because she wanted to.

But it was there now, a small seed of doubt, but there nonetheless, creeping into the moment, pulling at her. It pulled her off the bed and onto her feet.

When she asked Lucas if she would be able to count on him this time around it was because she needed to and because she had a right to ask.

"I let you get away from me more times than I'd like to admit Peyton, for many and the same reasons, being too stubborn to admit what I really felt, the most notable explanation."

On his feet, the truth in his words propelled him forward. He stopped in front of her, leveled his eyes to meet hers. "Letting you go, letting family come between us, hurting you the way that I did, I don't want to make those mistakes again. I wont."

Peyton's hesitation didn't surprise Lucas. He expected it, understood and respected her apprehension, her desire to be sure not only for herself, but for the small life she carried inside her. He let the proposal linger regardless, hers to accept or decline.

Married or not, they were tied together, now more so than ever. Sometimes it was still hard for Peyton to wrap her head around how this boy, now a man had allowed his fate to become so inextricably tangled with hers.

That small, nagging voice inside Peyton's head quieted down, no longer pestering her with what if scenarios. Instead she listened to her heart, and when it came to matters with Lucas that's where her heart always spoke the loudest.

After everything, she still wanted him, wanted everything with him. Couldn't imagine herself anywhere else, with anyone else but him.

There was no doubt that she loved Lucas and that he loved her. She was certain of that. As for a happy life together, she could only hope for the best.

"Yes, I'll marry you."

* * *

The sound of laughter filled the space between where Lucas stood peering into the refrigerator inside his former home and his mother. It was the first genuine laugh he had heard from her in long time. It's familiarity both surprised and comforted him.

He hadn't meant to eavesdrop on her fifteen minute phone conversation, or to pry once the call had ended, but if he hadn't, he knew it would be a while before he got any truth from her.

"Is Andy coming to town?" Lucas asked when his mother finally joined him outside on the porch steps that were well worn, but kept clean. It had been sometime since they had physically seen the affluent New Zealander, years even, but Lucas had always liked the man. He liked even more that he had once made his mother happy.

Soft brown eyes, pinned him with a look meant to shame for spying, for snooping, but it was then accompanied by a small smile. Whether it was meant for him or brought about at the mention of Andy, he wasn't sure. Either way, it was nice to see his mother in a good mood. He thought maybe it would help temper the hurt he was sure she'd feel when he revealed some of his own secrets that he'd been carrying around as of late.

"I don't know. Maybe", Karen replied after a period of silence.

"Do you want him to come?" It was a question Lucas could sense that she was actively mauling over. On the small space of the porch steps, he felt her settle down beside him.

Lucas knew Andy still loved his mom. In recent and past phone calls he has shared with the man, the remorse Andy felt for his mother's unfortunate situation was evident, as was the love, and the longing he still felt for her.

His right hand fell to a knee covered delicately in a blue-green cotton skirt in a comforting gesture.

"You don't have to punish yourself mom. You _can _let yourself be happy. You deserve to be." They were words that had once been on the tip of his tongue, but held back because of timing, out his respect for her right to grieve the loss of her daughter. Twice.

They were words that he realizes now ring true to himself and his existing situation in so many ways.

When her face crumpled, he knew tears were on the verge of being shed, but she doesn't cry and it really shouldn't surprise him because his mother was always skilled at masking her emotions, even with him.

"I'm too old to do the whole dating thing again," she murmured with a heavy sigh, sweeping her short hair behind her ears. He tilted his head as he watched her, was surprised by both how much her grief had changed her and how much she had remained the same. He smiled briefly at her old fashioned senses.

"Not too old to be a grandmother, I hope." It was a perfect lead in, Lucas thought and he threw it out there before he lost his nerve.

"Peyton's pregnant."

It was out in the open now, and Lucas smiled, the legitimacy of the condition felt more real now that he had finally told his mother.

Karen met Lucas' gaze with narrowed eyes that unmistakably relayed her offense, her disapproval. Even though he had expected such reaction, he had still held on to a small fragment of hope that the news of a grandchild would be bring a smile to his mother face instead of a frown.

He tried his best to not show irritation, to hide his disappointment, but instead allowed time for his words, for such reality to sink in.

"I want to be happy for you Lucas. I do, but it's-"

"Complicated." Lucas finished for her. "I know," he whispered in acquiesce. "It's complicated and it's messy, and seeing Peyton probably only brings up emotions and memories you'd rather not relive, and things you wont ever forget. He paused. "But I want my son or daughter to know his or her grandmother."

Lucas threw his mother a meaningful look, hoping that she would realize that even though they didn't agree on his current life choices that family was still important to him, that their family was still important.

"Besides", he started with a slight nudge to her arm. "You should want to take advantage of being the only grandparent who wont be absentee by choice, dead or incarcerated."

It was an easy thing to do now, to make a joke of Peyton's and his own family issues, but it still hurt when either of them really thought about it.

When that last assertion didn't reap the positive reaction from his mother as he had hope for, Lucas opted for a different approach.

"Peyton and I are getting married mom and we're starting our own family… I don't want to have to choose between you and Peyton, but I will if I have to."

They weren't words Lucas imagined that he would ever have to say to anyone, let alone his own mother, but even so as abrasive as they were they had rolled easily off his tongue even to his own surprise and he hadn't felt the least bit inclined to take them back.

Karen stood on her feet now, her face taut with anguish and desperate anger. "What about Lily?" She cried out to Lucas' retreating figure. It was such a helpless cry, the sound of heartbreak from a mother who felt like she was losing everyone around her, everyone she loved.

Lucas flinched as the words lashed into him, they stopped him mid stride as he trudged down the porch steps. The remark was meant to make him feel guilty, and ashamed. He was sure of it. Such a harsh tactic had worked back when he had felt the loss of his sister just as acutely as anyone, when his hurt and anger was still raw, muddling everything around him.

But not this time.

He turned around slowly to face his mother. In her gaze wasn't the reassurance and the quiet strength he'd depended upon so often in the past, but something else and he wasn't too confident that it was going to go away.

As he stood before her, her soft brown eyes reluctant to engage him any longer, his heart softened, but it wasn't because her question affected him in the way that she anticipated.

The words phased him in such a way that only made him want to reach out and comfort her, nothing more.

"This isn't about Lily mom", Lucas exclaimed, the last of his restraints falling away. "It's about me and what I want, what I need.

Lily's gone mom… and Keith. They aren't coming back, no matter how much we may want them to. We don't have to die with them."

Unaccompanied on the porch steps, his mother seemed so tiny and fragile. A house, that once seemed perfectly crafted for the two of them, now seemed too big for her alone, but too small for the depth of grief, for all the scars she would carry and it would always serve as a constant reminder of all that they had lost.

"I'm still here", Lucas went on. "If you want to make this about Lily, fine. I would like to think that Lily would want me to be happy. With Peyton."

Lucas didn't hang around to see if his mother had been swayed by that bit of certainty. He felt that he had said enough. It was now a waiting game, the ball was in his mother's court, but he wouldn't wait around forever. He had his own life to live now, a family of his own to think about, to put first, just as his mother had done for him all those years ago. It was a gamble , but he had nothing to put on the table but the truth.

* * *

With much apprehension, fingers laced together, Peyton followed Brooke's lead as they walked down the hallway and into the nursery. It was a small room, once allocated solely for her precious art work but a space Peyton had gladly given up to accommodate the much more precious life growing inside of her.

Once settled into the room, an overly excited Brooke clapped her hands together, gestured to the items in front of them, the elaborate bangles on her wrist clashing together with the flurry of movement. "So what do you want to open first?"

Peyton shook her head in both a mixture of shock and excitement. What was once a sparse and pretty much abandoned room was now fully aligned in a sea of gift boxes and decorative shopping bags.

"Brooke, what happened to just looking at paint samples? You've completely outdone yourself. Is there anything left for me to buy, let alone any possible guests for a baby shower?"

"Well, you know what they say 'you snooze you lose' ".

"There's also a lot of pinks and purples here Brooke. What if I'm having a boy? Returning all this stuff would be a nightmare."

Peyton picked up a box, examining its contents through the see-through plastic frame. She couldn't make a guess to as what is was or what it would be used for, and if she knew her friend, she was sure Brooke had no idea either. But the box was appealing, and that's probably all that mattered to Brooke.

"Return them? The majority of these clothes are handcrafted originals, thank you very much", Brooke boasted pointing to a label inside one of the cute onesies she picked out from one of the numerous bags displayed at their feet.

"This blue bear, is pretty neutral, don't you think?" Brooke asked after a moment.

"I Thought you were still on the fence about starting a baby clothing line, being that you were never a huge fan of kids in your stores," Peyton stated.

"This is different, I'm going to be an auntie and I'm also a god mother. What greater inspiration?" The brunette gushed. "And if little _Brooke _is going to be a model we have to get her started in the right direction. You and Lucas never have had the best sense when it comes to fashion."

"Huh. I'll pretend I wasn't offended by that," Peyton replied through a humorless smile.

"You're having a baby!" Brooke exclaimed again for the millionth time since she had been notified, but this time the news doesn't still seem so shocking, and it seems to have finally settled into her mind.

The very noticeable and still expanding belly between them only help to cement any further disbelief.

Instantly they were both in tears, and then they were laughing.

After a while, Brooke spoke earnestly, her face reflecting her feeling, hiding nothing. "I want this. A baby….a fiancé." She paused, fingers gracing the pre assembled, spacious baby crib beside her. "Not in that particular order. Pretty backwards there Sawyer or should I say Scott?"

"You will Brooke. I Know it, but you have to be open to it. Open up that heart of yours."

To Peyton's reassuring smile, Brooke gave an uncertain shrug.

Peyton didn't know the last time Brooke allowed herself to go out on a date, at least a real one anyway, and she didn't bring it up either knowing that it was a sore spot for her best friend, much like any unwelcome suggestions Peyton made about minimizing her work schedule. It failed to register with Brooke, but her extreme devotion to her craft was a big factor in why she often spent her nights alone.

"How do you think Karen is taking the news?" Brooke asked. Peyton refrained from rolling her eyes, recognizing that Brooke was deflecting the attention from herself, gladly handing the spotlight back to her.

"I don't know. I'm trying not to worry about it," Peyton answered.

"So it doesn't make a difference what she thinks?" Brooke attempted to clarify.

"It matters. It matters to Luke anyway. I don't want to be hopeful, because I'm too sure I'll end up disappointed." Peyton finished with a frown. "If her reaction is anything opposite of what I expect it to be, I'll be pleasantly surprised."

The people that had made up significant pieces of her life were so fragmented, bitter and distant. And yet, even though she was working on being content with just putting it all behind her it was a matter that managed to find its way into almost every aspect of her life in even the smallest of ways.

Brooke was silent, watchful. Expecting more.

"There's just a lot of resentment built up, and not just between me and Karen, but between me and Haley and even Lucas and Haley. I'm barely dealing with it. It's hard. What am I going to tell my child? Kids see things, and they have a lot of questions."

"Well babies, you know, always have a way of bringing people together, especially the cute ones."

Peyton frowned again. Although a good reason, she didn't want her child to be the only reason why her broken relationships were restored.

"Don't worry P. Scott. You and broody will have the best looking baby in town, " Brooke back-tracked at the sight of Peyton's frown. "For now, anyway", the brunette then amended quickly with a wink.

Brooke took Peyton's hand in hers, the blonde's once familiar engagement ring sat on her ring finger, the glass of the small gem catching in the afternoon light. "You're right there's a lot of resentment, distrust and whatever else that may or may not be worked out, but there's also a lot of love, a lot. I mean, look at all this stuff I brought, and I haven't even met the little one yet. You can tell my niece or nephew that."

Brooke's words, just a rush of simple sentences, were weighted with a truth Peyton knew was near and certain, she felt guilty for easily overlooking it.

"Thanks Brooke, and thanks for all of this. It means more than you know."

"No." Brooke disagreed, and looked thoughtfully at her best friend. " I know."

Hours later, when Lucas found her in the nursery, the scent of dried sweat clung to his clothes. His hands were stained from where he'd palmed a basketball on years of worn asphalt.

Peyton didn't bother to ask him where he had been or why. She knew.

She met him in the middle of the room, the space now almost clutter free of baby belongings.

She smiled lightly, but it felt false, and she couldn't sustain it.

When Lucas embraced his wife to be, it wasn't because he felt her pity or saw on her face the responsibility she felt, but because he knew if he had to go through it _all _again, only to be standing in front of Peyton now, his arms not only wrapped around her, but the life inside her as well, he would take that risk again, without hesitation.

* * *

I wont make excuses. Here is the long awaited chapter ten. Hope you enjoyed it. If so, let me know. Leave a review.

P.S: From the time in which Lucas proposes to Peyton, and tells Karen about it all a considerable amount of time has passed. A few months.

-Jess


	11. Chapter 11

Shades of Gray

Disclaimer: I do not own OTH or anything related.

Previously: Peyton accepts Lucas' marriage proposal. Peyton and Brooke prepare the nursery. Lucas gives Karen an ultimatum.

AN: Unbeta'd, mistakes are mine.

Chapter 11

While waiting for Brooke to get dressed, Peyton busied herself making tea, preparing a small amount of honey laced tea for herself and a more generous helping for Brooke's. It had been weeks since they had shared a quiet morning together that didn't involve the urgency of wedding planning or the buzz of excitement over Brooke's much anticipated new line of clothing.

Brooke's footsteps on the stairs caught Peyton's attention and she turned to greet her friend.

"Hey P. Scott", Brooke chirped, as she gleefully traipsed down the stairs and into her kitchen. "Hmm…It doesn't have as nice of a ring to it like your old nickname does, but I'll get used to it."

"Well if it helps, I still have to get used to it too", Peyton replied.

"You're a married woman now. How does it feel?" Brooke asked throwing an arm around her friend's shoulder.

Peyton leaned into her the brunette's greeting before pulling away. "Honestly, like nothing's changed and everything different at the same time. I made us tea."

"Right, I keep forgetting you're avoiding coffee. How's baby doing?"

"We're good. I'm five months pregnant today actually."

"You bitch. Are you sure you're really pregnant? You can hardly tell. You looked amazing in your wedding dress."

" I'm sure. I'm reminded almost every morning when I wake up puking my guts out."

"Thanks for the visual, Brooke groaned sending Peyton a less than appreciative glare.

"Here you go", Peyton said, turning quickly toward the kitchen counter and extending one of the two cups of tea to Brooke. "I lucked out today. The little one has been pretty calm this morning."

They walked in sync to the breakfast bar where they sat drinking quietly for a couple of minutes, both enjoying the still and quiet of the day.

"So, I know you came to thank me for helping your wedding go on without a hitch and for being the best maid of honor ever…" Brooke started.

Peyton couldn't help to instantly, but playfully roll her eyes at her best friend. She wouldn't be Brooke Davis without indulging herself and others in her typical air of conceit. However, rightly so this time. The girl wore many hats to help make such a special moment in she and Lucas' life one of the most memorable ever.

"You can thank me later. I know these are what you are really here for", Brooke finished. Peyton watched on in suspicion as Brooke, put down her tea and slipped into her living room. Opening a desk drawer she reached in and drew out a large white envelope.

"I didn't look at them yet, but I'm sure the photos are beautiful. Again, you can thank me for that."

Peyton cleared her throat, casted a suspicious eye brow from the direction of the large envelope in Brooke's hands to Brooke face. "About the photographer, you and he seemed quite the pair at the wedding. I think he spent more time with his eyes on you than Lucas and I."

"What can I say; the man knows beauty when he sees it", came Brooke fast reply, only a hint of a smile showing as she went back to sipping her tea with one hand, the photos in the other.

"Hmm…seemed like more than that to me…something I should know?" Peyton followed Brooke into the living room, tea in hand. She lowered herself slowly onto the couch.

Brooke's looked down at Peyton, her face crumpled in guilty agitation. Peyton grinned, her eyes instantly sparkling with anticipation of her friend's news.

The brunette seemed to be thinking hard wanting to get her thoughts just right. "We're still getting to know each other, but I do love the way I feel. This feels good. It feels… right."

Peyton nodded her understanding and gestured an invitation for her to continue.

"I don't want to jinx it by saying anything more so that's all you get blondie", Brooke said hesitantly, scrunching her nose, hoping that her best friend wouldn't hate her.

"Okay", Peyton conceded. She raised her cup, draining a little more of its contents before leaning over to settle it on the coffee table between them. "Well I'm happy for you Brooke. He's definitely cute."

"Hey! He's mine and you're married now", Brooke teased in good nature while ditching her empty cup onto the coffee table as well.

"So when do I officially get to meet him?" Peyton asked. She had only met the man briefly, but was looking forward to getting to know him on a more personal level.

"I was thinking next week. You aren't going to interrogate him are you?" Brooke asked.

"I wouldn't be your best friend if I didn't."

"Geez don't look so horrified", Peyton joked upon noticing the note of slight unease on Brooke's face as she took up residence beside her on the couch. "If you looove him. I'm sure I will too."

"Shut up!" Brooke shouted unable to conceal her blush and swatting Peyton on the arm.

"Well, are you going to look at your wedding photos?" Brooke asked, handing the package to Peyton all too quick to change the subject, deflecting the attention from her love life back to Peyton's.

"No", Peyton answered, fingers feathering lightly over the top of the envelope." I want to wait for Luke."

"Sucks for me I guess. How much did it suck when you told Lucas that you wanted to cut the honey moon short? "

"It was hard, but he understood. It felt nice to get away from everything for a while, but I needed to spend time with my dad. You know how rare that is."

"I bet it was hard", Brooke retorted suggestively earning an eye roll from Peyton.

"Anyways, it was a nice surprise to see him at the wedding and the look on his face as he walked you down the aisle!" Brooke exclaimed warm heartedly.

Peyton could only smile. When Nathan had gone back on his word to be the one to walk her down the aisle that day it was for sure one of the unsettling situations of the morning. Peyton's first instinct was to blame Haley, but when her father showed up a few minutes prior to the start of the wedding, dressed in suit and tie, she didn't know whether to punch Nathan for making her upset or kiss him for knowing how to keep a secret to surprise her. Having grown less optimistic as the days passed she had finally given up on believing that her father would make it when she was unable to reach him out at sea a week before their wedding for a second confirmation of attendance. She had been right in suspecting that Nathan and Lucas were acting strangely that morning and she was now more than happy to have learned why. To say she had been surprised to see her dad was simply an understatement given his track record of attendance at occasions of significance in her life.

"You know, he told me that he initially had some objections to the wedding. You know the part where the officiant says something like 'speak now or forever hold you're peace'? He said he had dreams about protesting". Peyton laughed lightly to herself upon recalling the conversation.

"Thank god they don't do that at real weddings anymore."

The expression on Peyton's face changed to that of a serious one." I know. He would never do that of course, but I know he had built up some pretty strong feelings towards Luke after everything happened… "

"But he showed up, because he loves you and he trusts the decisions that you make", Brooke pointed out.

"Funny, my dad said the exact same thing."

"Good. It means we're on the same page. Speaking of parental approval, I really thought Karen would have made an appearance", Brooke voiced as she dropped her hand to Peyton's thigh and moved her thumb comfortingly.

Peyton nodded her head in agreement, but avoided looking directly at Brooke. She and Lucas had agreed to keep quiet about the matter, figuring that their small town of Tree Hill would find out soon enough. Not only had Karen skipped out on the wedding, but she'd left town, the country actually. Peyton didn't need Brooke to worry about that or them. She reasoned with herself just then that Brooke had better things to invest her energy into like her new clothing line or this new photographer boyfriend of hers.

"It's a sore subject for Luke", Peyton admitted.

Brooke shook her head sympathetically.

She had given up on trying to interpret and then rationalize Karen's every behavior months ago. It grew exhausting, more of a hassle than what it was proving to be worth. She wasn't so sure if Lucas was completely ready to do the same.

"I need to get going", Peyton stated regretfully as she finished the last of her tea.

Peyton smiled softly at Brooke's exaggerated frown, her attempt to get her the blonde to stay a while longer.

"I have to track down Mia for a photo shoot. Peyton wriggled into her jacket suited for the morning cold and headed for the door. "With my luck she's probably still hung over from the wedding."

"Hey, pregnant Peyton is hard person to please. Peyton the pregnant bride was even worse. Give the girl a break. We were the best bridal party ever."

* * *

It was back to the real world all too fast. The wedding and the honey moon were over and although Lucas was more than willing to continue to forget the world while indulging fully into marital bliss with Peyton there was a real world to get back to.

Inside their home, chaos reigned. He could find some type of distraction in just about every corner of the house. There were wedding gifts that still needed to be unwrapped and placed into their proper places, belated baby shower gifts to be sifted through and unopened bills strewn somewhere across the kitchen counter to be taken care of.

Lucas felt his attention wandering, or rather, diverted. He turned back to his laptop, trying to regain his focus on the task at hand. With the publication of his first novel long since completed, and the purchase and sale of those books in stores in high demand, he was beginning to feel the pressure to push out another novel from his editors.

But there were boundaries, places Lucas told himself that he would not go in print. He prided himself on being careful and meticulous when writing about those he loved. He didn't intend to change that for fame or because of it.

His story about his sister Lily was his story and no one else's and he wanted to keep it that way despite his editor's warnings to end the novel in such a fashion more fitted for a light hearted suspense or mystery novel than for what it really was, for what he really wanted it to be.

Now that was summer rolling in, and he would have more free time he expected to be participating in a lot more book signings and press releases much to his dismay, because it would mean time spent away from home, from his wife, from his family.

If his editors wanted a happy novel, he could spend hours writing about Peyton and all the hopes and dreams he had for his little girl.

His daughter's first smile, her first steps, her first word, Lucas had imagined it all the moment they had found out the sex of the baby- a wedding present to themselves. He envisioned her beautiful and strong like her mother; her temperament mirroring the similarities and differences in both he and Peyton's personalities.

He imagined her being athletic or passionate about the arts because they'd teach her the beauty of them; their abilities to inspire, to move, and to comfort. Perhaps she would be nothing like them, and it wouldn't matter at all. As her parents, he knew that her happiness and health would be all that would ever matter to them.

It was thoughts such as these that propelled Lucas forward on hard days when he thought too much about Lily or the about the situation with his mother.

It had now been almost two months since he had last heard from his mother, since she had ambushed him with an overseas phone call detailing her arrival in New Zealand; her return unbeknownst to him and to herself.

They hadn't been prepared for that.

The hopelessness of it all still astounded Lucas. For the first time in his life, there was no smooth argument, no tender plea, or winning smile; he could exercise to turn this hand to his favor. There would be no winning his mother back.

It hurt. Over the last several months she has been more distant, withholding from him the parts of her he valued most, but at least she had still been in Tree Hill. There was some small comfort in such physical proximity.

He hoped his mother regretted not sticking around to witness all of his dreams come true- his wedding, his first book signing and now possibly the birth of his daughter. At the same time he hoped that his mother was using this time away to take care of herself. That was the one hopeful spark he found in all of this. For too long he watched helplessly as grief robbed her of her motivation and her wellbeing. A fresh start for his mother might be exactly what she needed, the best thing for her, for everyone.

Lucas' cell buzzed in his pocket, signaling a photo text. A candid image of his wife and Mia in a location he was sure wasn't Tree Hill. Their silly pose and gestures made him laugh for sure, a welcomed distraction he couldn't ignore.

Another photo, this one of only Peyton had him desperately hoping that she'd come for lunch and hoping to god that it had been Mia that Peyton trusted to take such a photo.

Lucas couldn't help but smile. He had often reflected that it should trouble him that he was so far gone, so in love with the woman he was proud to call his wife, but it never did. He could live off the feelings she ignited in him, even we he had tried to deny it. Deny her. Deny them. He was immersed in her.

So when he called her to say a quick I love you (and thank you), just like they had always been and will continue to be he infused the words with everything he felt for her.

* * *

This story is driving me crazy , but I am determined to finish it. Let me know what you think.

-Jess


	12. Chapter 12

Shades of Gray

Disclaimer: I do not own OTH or anything related.

Previously: Lucas and Peyton get married

AN: Unbeta'd, mistakes are mine.

Chapter 12

Premature delivery, low birth weight baby, the words, the thought had horrified Peyton and had been the source of contention between her and Lucas for weeks, their first argument as a married couple.

It wasn't that she was choosing to ignore logic and reason she knew at some point she would have to deal with relinquishing some aspects of her company over to someone else for some extended period of time, but not so soon. Red Bedroom Records was her pride and joy, music and the industry was still very much one of her solaces and aside from that driving her willpower was the fact that her clients needed her.

She had dropped the ball. Between failed attempts to fend off morning sickness, attending various doctors' appointments and pre and post wedding arrangements interrupting studio time she could admit that she had inadvertently left her clients to fend for themselves. While she knew the guilt she felt was irrational, some things naturally unable to be helped her commitment to her artists meant everything to them and she needed them to know that she was committed and maybe therein laid her mistake.

A stress free workload was what the doctor had recommended to lower anxiety levels, heart rate and blood pressure. Finding a way to delegate certain tasks had been her husband's suggestion. While she was sure the strategies would be helpful trying to make the suggested changes seemed to be piling on more stress.

Minimizing her work hours, cutting down on studio sessions hadn't gone without protest.

While her two female clients greeted her with understanding, her male clients, the latest band in particular were a little less sympathetic already skeptical of capabilities to foster their talent because she was a woman.

She could have chosen to be offended, but she was quickly learning such ignorance still existed and unfortunately came with the territory.

Pop in. Pop out. That was her goal for the day. She didn't plan to be at the studio long, just long enough to make some headway on one or two promotional campaigns, answer a few messages and make a couple of phone calls.

The familiar sound of hands playing expertly on a keyboard, emitting a beautiful wall of sound greeted her as she barreled through the doors of the studio. Sounds of the piano sped up and slowed down, rose and fell above and below hearing level. It was music like that, talent so natural and rare that reminded Peyton of how much she loved her job and how much she wanted to aid in getting it out there and into the world.

It was early in the morning still, and she was surprised to see that at least one of her clients had decided to greet the day with the same level of productivity she had in mind. It was just the motivation she needed to get the say started.

She set her purse on the chair at her desk, but kept one blackberry in hand for easy access.

With a smile of content and admiration, she stepped into the recording booth ready to press and beg Mia to hear the lyrics to such a gorgeous composition with her equally impressive and gorgeous voice.

But the girl was a perfectionist, accompanied with the unfortunate need to sometimes hold back on her boss until everything sounded right in her head and made sense with the melody. Peyton wouldn't have been surprised if the girl protested because she often did. Peyton understood how meticulous and unrelenting the creative process could be because she was an artist too. However, it wouldn't stop her from trying to sneak a peek at what the artist and her friend had waiting in the works.

"I'm sorry… I see a piano. I play." The music stopped and the startled and remorseful voice that mumbled out before her matched not the voice of Mia but one of the last people Peyton expected to see in her recording studio.

Peyton swallowed and cleared her throat. "Haley. What are you doing here?" Peyton scanned the room, searching for the brunette she had initially expected to see. "Did Mia call you?" A pang of worry rose in her stomach. Had she left her clients with no choice, but to seek musical guidance elsewhere so soon?

"No. Actually Luke, Lucas called me." Haley clarified tentatively as she stood up from where she had been sitting on the piano bench. "He said he thought you could use the extra help."

Another wave of some emotion rose within Peyton. She didn't appreciate on anticipate Lucas going behind her back this way… or him thinking that she was incapable of keeping herself and the baby safe without keeping tabs on her . She wasn't sure which hurt more.

"I don't need help." Peyton answered her shoulders square, her tone confident. She certainly did want any help from Haley.

"Peyton, there are forty-two messages on your answering machine, nineteen of which are from the last thirty minutes."

Peyton was well aware of all the things that needed her attention at the moment, but she didn't need Haley pointing that out to her. "I can handle it."

Haley shook her head at what Peyton perceived to be her stubbornness. Sure her stubborn nature sometimes resulted having to learn lessons the hard way, but she didn't need Haley chastising her for it. That was only reserved for people that knew her and she didn't anymore.

"Who's going to deal directly with the artists, do the scouting, and coordinate publicity and media efforts, when you're physically unable to?" Haley queried then her tone matter of fact.

Peyton turned around then, quick steps taking her away from the recording room the space suddenly growing too hot and too crowded for the two of them.

"Well it seems like you and Lucas have it all figured out. Maybe I should just get out of the way."

"It's not like that" Haley followed, flipping her well groom hair over her shoulder. Peyton's eyes travelled down the rest of the petite brunette's appearance and it made her shortly insecure about her own. She should have tried harder to find something to wear a little more polished and not so oversized despite the clothes fitting comfortably over her now ever growing baby belly.

" … Don't be mad at Lucas. He's just worried about you and everyone knows how he gets when it comes to… well you," Haley disclosed after a thought.

For a moment, Peyton's frustration fell away. Lucas was taking the whole pregnancy in stride. In her lowest and often uncomfortable moments he bore with her and kept her sane. That protective urge he always felt for her, she felt it growing, expanding to include their unborn daughter. He's always been everything she's needed him to be without asking plus more. She would always be grateful for that.

"I owe him this favor."

However heightened her emotions were as a result of her pregnancy hormones, Peyton knew Haley's last words were not intended to hurt her. She wanted to help out on the behalf of her friendship with Lucas. That was okay. Peyton had participated in and conducted countless of favors for Brooke that she hadn't always necessarily liked herself, but done on the account of Brooke having asked her to. It was a best friend thing/rule she understood.

"I'm not here to step on anyone's toes Peyton."

At that Peyton resisted the urge to roll her eyes. The girl might not have been there to step on any toes, but she'd made a habit on stepping on hearts as of late.

She looked away from Haley momentarily and sighed heavily. "Everyone's counting on me. I don't want to let anyone down." She also didn't want to let herself down, but she didn't want her health, her baby's health to suffer because of it. "This is important to me."

Haley's eyes narrowed, and her voice lowered. "I know."

Just those two words in such a reassuring tone—Peyton was certain she did. After all, Haley had been there when the concept of the studio had been just that, a concept, a dream. She had been there when the layout of the studio was just a blueprint on a piece of paper and when it had finally opened, when they had become partners she was there sharing in its successes and failures.

All that, and yet it hadn't stopped the brunette from walking away like she did. It hadn't stopped her from becoming someone that would let her down.

Again, Peyton was ready to protest, but Haley's next words stopped her.

She mirrored Peyton's position, both of their arms folded across their chest. "We made a pretty good team before."

Peyton had felt the scoff forming at the back of her throat, but she held it in. Although it wasn't Peyton who needed a reminder of their former partnership, for some reason it felt good to know that Haley hadn't forgotten.

"What do you say? If you need some time to think about it, I understand." The words had been spoken low and quiet like maybe the brunette had wanted to take them back. But she didn't.

Initially, when she had put some thought in to it, her ideal candidate for hire would have been a stranger. Someone she didn't have a personal connection with, someone it would be easy to sever ties with. Her own reasoning being that it would hurt less if they let you down, disappointed you or betrayed you.

But the memo to get started on that search kept getting lost somewhere in between planning to get married and planning to have a baby and would be the reason why she realized now her pool of quality applicants to choose from was zero.

And maybe that had been the message Lucas was trying to send to her now.

It was too late to conduct interviews, obtain background checks, train and have good faith in a person to do right by her and her clients. She saw herself giving birth by then and she did need someone who could at least make a temporary commitment to the company on the spot until she found a more suitable replacement to aid her through the remainder of her maternity leave.

She didn't expect anyone else to show up extending her a life line and a way out of this mess. Unfortunately the best bet for the company and her artists continued success was standing right in front of her.

When she thought of Mia who adored Haley and the plentiful amount of professional reasons she once had for asking Haley to be her partner in crime so to speak it made sense because none of those things had really changed, even if other things had.

* * *

Lucas was practically running on empty now, at this point bragging rights didn't even seem worth the continued effort.

"Come on Nate, the score's forty-three to twenty seven; the odds that you're going to beat me are looking very slim right now."

"Tired?" The younger Scott goaded while whisking the worn, orange ball from where it rested on the court sidelines between them and shooting it lazily toward an even more worn basketball hoop.

"No. I just thought you had to get home to relieve the sitter."

"Yeah. Whatever," Nathan replied.

To his own ears Lucas had seemed hardly convincing; but he'd be damned if he willingly forfeited an almost guaranteed win, not against Nathan, so his plan was to get the dark haired Scott to quit all on his own.

"Speaking of odds, what are the odds that you're going to end up in the doghouse tonight, Luke? If you ask me I'd say one hundred percent… with a chance of 'I told you so' ".

His brother's eyes were laughing at him, and his narrowed in response. For all their taunting and joking with one another, in ritual fashion they had kept it about their game on the court. "Sore loser."

"Hey, I haven't lost, and you haven't won yet. The game's on pause right now because of your heart."

Lucas decided not to waste time refuting Nathan on the issue. He was, after all, right and probably on both accounts.

"How pissed off do you think she's going to be?"

"I don't know, man. Just make sure you tell Peyton that I had nothing to do with whatever's happening or not happening between her and my wife right now. If her mood swings are anything like Haley's when she's pregnant I don't want to be caught in that line of fire."

Lucas smiled lightly, his little brother's concerns valid. He prided himself on being in tune with Peyton's feelings for the most part, but now he was walking on egg shells around her, not exactly certain of the state he'd find her in at any point of the day.

He had only wanted to help, but could admit that maybe asking Haley for help without seeking his wife's approval first hadn't been the smartest of ideas.

"Dont worry. She'll get over it once she realizes that she's now married to you and stuck with what sometimes can be your idiotic decisions for the rest of her life."

"Is that how it works out for you and Hales?"

"Pretty much and she will tell you that I've made my share of bad decisions since we've been married."

A near empty water bottle in hand, Lucas took a swallow of the last of its contents, weighing his brother's words which were frank but helpful.

He imagined that it couldn't be easy for Nathan, being both the supportive brother Lucas needed him to be and husband Haley needed him to be when the women in their lives were at odds with one another. Sometimes Lucas wondered if Nathan's life would be easier if he'd just chosen a side and stuck with it. His loyalty easily defined- black and white. But most things Lucas had come to learn didn't exist in black and white, but in various shades of gray. It was an effort on his brother's part that he found commendable and that hadn't gone by unnoticed or without thanks.

Furthermore, to him it was still strange how things turned out the way they did for all of them. The web woven around formerly estranged brothers, and two girls with seemingly zero common interests wasn't always as defined as it was now. In their earlier years, it was strung together by a series of conveniences and it had its shares of tangles and messiness. But that once thin web had grown to become so much more, they were bound together now by kinship and the friendships they had forged years ago. It was hard to see that the tangles and messiness that found them now had put a wedge between the levels of closeness they had formed.

"You know I had to find out from Tim, that your mom's gone off to New Zealand."

From his hands and to the net Lucas watched as the ball banged around the rim a few times before dropping in. The sound of the ball hitting the asphalt and bouncing away momentarily diverted both of their attention. Lucas' intent was not to keep Nathan out of the loop or to ignore him now, but the last thing he felt he needed was more of his brother's pity. He had gotten use to abandonment before and he could get use to this too.

With ball half way down the river court, Lucas turned his attention back to Nathan, nothing to distract him now."He's still obsessed with you?"

"Not the issue."

"I'm fine. If that's what you're worried about," Lucas said, finally having chosen to reply to the unstated question and nodding to himself even though he knew Nathan would see straight to the truth.

"Okay, but I'm only here for another week if you wanted to, you know…talk, Nathan tried. "I guess it's not so much of a bad thing, your mom leaving. She'll stop being angry one day and at herself."

Those last words had been something Lucas had been trying to believe himself, but as more weeks wore by without a word from his mother and only a brief email from Andy to ease his curiosity the more disheartened he became.

Not wanting to abruptly abandon the topic, but, unable to no longer ignore his own concerns about what things remained untold between them Lucas squeezed the words out careful not to sound disapproving in his approach. "Is there something you wanted to talk about Nate? Haley told me she had her tubes tied."

As a matter of fact, she had called him only briefly; the morning of the surgery to express her fears about the procedure and offer her apologies about the agitated state she'd been in with him as of late.

"You were okay with that?" It wasn't an accusation but a simple question, a matter of checking in with his brother. No judgment. Their private life wasn't really any of his business, but their state of well-being played a huge effect on his own at times. He felt guilty for not checking in sooner, too busy wrapped up in his own family problems to be a good friend and brother.

Lucas waited quietly as he watched his brother's expression change, heard him take a deep breath and blow it out through puffed cheeks. "It felt like a slap in the face. I thought she wanted to do it to spite me because I wasn't home with her and the kids because of my commitments to the league."

Those words coming out of his mouth, in his voice, momentarily stunned Lucas and he swallowed hard against his brother's choice of words. "Haley's not like that Nate."

"I know, but I think things would've been different if I'd chosen a different career, one that didn't require me to travel as much."

"Maybe. Maybe not."

"I didn't get it a first, but I do now. I know she comes from a huge family, but three kids, it can be really overwhelming sometimes Luke, in fact most of the time."

"Is it reversible?" Lucas couldn't stop himself from asking aloud. It was a silly question, he knew. It was highly unlikely for Haley to jump into anything so life changing without being sure of what she wanted.

"Our decision is permanent, but the procedure is reversible," was Nathan's succinct reply.

"So you two are good?" He looked at Nathan speculatively, his brother returning his gaze evenly.

"We're good."

Lucas accepted his answer and reaching out, placed a hand on his brother's shoulder. "Good."

"Not sure if you can say the same thing about you and Peyton though", a grinning Nathan muttered seemingly unable to resist a good laugh and usually always at his expense. "I'm game Friday…I mean if you're out of trouble by then."

Lucas shook his head, only slightly annoyed. "There you are . For a moment, I was beginning to wonder what happened to my real brother, the dick."

* * *

Thanks you all so much for all the love, the reviews, favorites, story alerts . So that was the latest update. Let me know your thoughts, leave a review.

-Jess


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